I’m feeling kind of strange today. We had a lovely, long holiday weekend over Christmas. All I did, around the Christmas prep, was relax and spend time with Leslie and Elizabeth. Elizabeth and I did a great puzzle together, too. It was glorious. Here in the office, although it is very quiet (not many people here, and those who are seem really pooped), there is an air of anticipation. Merger angst, I think.
I feel as though I should be doing something with this quiet energy, creating something, somehow working with the quiet vibe to do art or something else active. I found myself fighting with this, because my muse is very quiet right now. Francine (my muse, or internal inspiration, who emerged visibly in my art, and so I've given her this name) is in there, I can feel her, but she’s quiet. How unusual for her … and for me.
I’m going to be revolutionary and make a conscious decision to “go with the flow”. Rather than rail against the vibe, I’m going to ride the bliss and do some personal reflecting.
As 2010 approaches, riding a wave of transformation and reformation, I ask myself the following questions: What am I releasing, and what am I embracing?
I found out just how sneaky stress can be when we were looking for a home to purchase. We had a difficult time finding something in this crazy market while juggling personal financial uncertainty. Couple that with a merger announcement at work (merger = possibility of job loss), and you’ve got yourself a reason to stress. And so I did. I experienced more of the thinning veil I referred to in a previous post (written some time ago). Probably experienced more thinning of the hair, as well. Even though I tried not to make an ass of myself, I’m not sure I didn’t. The good news is that it all turned out fine, and the people I got stressed with either didn’t notice or forgive me. We found a place to buy that works for us, things at work got more solid again, and I made a friend in the process. Someone I’ve known *before*. In this, I acknowledge my need for friends, and after a long period of releasing unhealthy relationships from the past, I am eager to shower new friends of the heart with all the love, support and encouragement I have!
At work, the merger has provided opportunities for my work to be visible on higher levels. Leading an implementation sub-team is very rewarding. Mergers do indeed imply a possibility for job loss, but they also imply great opportunity through change, as well. I’ve worked my tushy off, and will admit to having a significant emotional investment over how my hard work may or may not pay off in the end. I haven’t seen a raise in salary since starting here, and while that isn’t surprising given the economy, it sure would feel good. Unfortunately, the time taken up by this work prompted me to give up my place on the school PTA, which I’ve always enjoyed. That made me sad for a while, but it was time to let it go. In this, I acknowledge my competitiveness, ambition and drive, and I cast a web of healthy expectation over the efforts I’ve planted like seeds. May they grow to manifest healthy fruit in the new year!
I launched my art site, which I’ve written about in volumes here. Doing so was a significant step for me. I plan to continue creating with great fervor, and am excited about it! There was a time in the not too distant past when my muse was completely absent! I’m glad she’s back, and with a vengeance! Over the new year, I want my art to be embraced by those who know me, and those who don’t know me.
Last, but certainly not least … I found myself quietly pondering my parents and siblings over the past holiday. I’d like to extend a special thanks to Facebook for changing their security settings so subtly no one noticed others can see all their pictures and even their wall if settings aren’t in place.
I know. I’m a voyeur. I just can’t help it.
Both of my brothers are younger than I, and I’m no longer on speaking terms with either of them (for various reasons). The youngest seems very happy with his family and in his new home. It’s like he was given another chance to make his life satisfying, which is something he never got growing up. There is a picture of my mother on his site, too. A recent one. I got no pleasure out of seeing how unhappy and unhealthy she looked, but at least she had someplace to go for Christmas. The other brother didn’t make the annual Christmas pilgrimage to Connecticut this year, and rather tried to find homesteading where he lives. This is a first for him, and he’s over 40 now. He didn’t post any photos of his holiday, so we are left guessing. Usually, when he’s got something going on, he shares. I hope he’s doing alright.
For my brother, Curtis, I wish continued happiness with his new family, and all the prosperity life has to offer. For my brother, Donald, I wish a softening of emotional defenses. I hope he lets someone in enough to make the family I know he desperately desires.
I’ve come to terms with putting these relationships aside. They do not fit for me any longer, aren’t healthy for me, and so I’ve let them go. I indulged myself over the holiday by peering into their world, but after trying for years to make it work, I don’t spend much time worrying about it any longer.
Let this be my greatest wish for 2010. I wish that the past remain in the past, and I support myself in the releasing of those burdens.
I think if I had to identify one thing that I’ve learned about who I am, it would be this: I am human. After spending the first half of my life over-achieving and paying the price for it, I want to relax and little and allow myself those human vulnerabilities. I mean, these are things that have always been there, but I denied them, ignored them. So, this year, I am going to embrace myself with all the vulnerabilities and wierdness that being me entails.
With this, I usher in a year of balance. I *expect* myself to pay more attention to the careful balance of my family, work and other activities. I *expect* myself to take better care of my body, bring my health back into balance, and to start by walking frequently. I also *expect* myself to consistently and outwardly demonstrate that balance to my family and friends, so they know I am thinking of them as much as I think of myself.
More than ever, I *expect* a prosperous and happy 2010!
And I wish you all the same.
So much love,
Would you like to know me better?
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No, I’m not too full of myself! I just want to connect!