Reflecting on 2010: Dragons, Demons and Dilemmas

© Donna L. Faber

I wrote and posted this originally on April 25, 2010, almost a year ago. My work experience had begun its determined uprooting of personal demons signaling the commencement of a major life lesson.  Anticipating Amma’s 2010 visit, I was focused on the resultant inner work and heeding esoteric signals in the world around me.  As I address my feelings and pursue healing after what I experienced in the workplace and as I process my most recent visits with Amma, I find this extremely helpful.  It’s as though this specific personal lesson has almost come full circle.

At last.

The one line in this piece that speaks to me the most is this one uttered by Gregor, "This fear is crippling, Ssssister, and must be conquered."

I hope you enjoy reading this combination of fact and fiction as much as enjoyed writing it a year ago.

Amma’s visit is less than a month away. She is scheduled to be at the Hindu Temple in Sunnyvale in mid-May. This year I’ve minimized my involvement in preparation because I need to focus on myself spiritually. Her approaching visit has taken on a surreal approach; however, one that snuck up on me. As usual, She ensures all my hot buttons are pushed so I know what to focus on. It is exhausting!

Last night, I was up for three hours after 2:00 a.m. thinking. I watched Anne Bancroft and Patty Duke in “Helen Keller”, and thought about determination. I wondered where my self-confidence and resolve had gone. From the corner of my eye I saw my deceased cat, Remos, strutting down the hallway. His presence typically ushers in a new lesson or point to be made.

The last few days have been brutal. Wracked with worry about work, I’ve failed miserably at juggling the demons rising within me, the feelings and insecurities … the hot buttons. My emotions ran unchecked. Hunkered down with my family, where I feel safe and good, I rifled through these issues, and began breaking through the blockage.

My eyes closed. The television faded into the background.

© Donna L. Faber

This was my prayer.

I called my dragon.

The great and mighty dragon, Gregor, my spirit guide, emerged from the shadows. Although in astral form, I beheld his shimmering scales, the immensity of his wings, and heard the crack they made against the wind. He was all around me. Our astral selves entwined together, and I felt immense relief.

“Where have you BEEN?” I cried and felt him smile down at me.

His answer was honest and somber.

You have not called me, Sssssister.

But his response was heartfelt, full of compassion, almost indulgent.

He knew my quandary immediately.

And then he spoke.

The Goddessss approaches and Sssshe is the Queen of Swords, The Remover of Masks. She turns over ssstones in her path with her razor sharp blade. Under each stone hides one of your coveted habits. Ssssecrets and desires must be exposed to the light where you see them, recognize them, and acknowledge them. No more can they be hidden away, cloaked. They tempt you with the sweet taste of delusion and pull you away from the true path. No. These sssshiny glamours must be irradicated no matter that your perspective feels less sssparkly for that, too, is delusion.

Under one ssstone hides false friendships, or people thought to be kinship sssspirits. These children harbor an investment of something other than who you are. They were kindred once, but as lifetimesss passss, this is forgotten. The astral cord, that which keeps you bound to one another lifetime after lifetime, sssspeaks to both of you, coaxing memories, feelings, and love.

Possssibilities seems endlessss for such a partnership renewed! Yet fear prevents full ascendancy. The astral cord is broken, and you are no longer dealing with kin.

He paused to breathe deeply, and I could hear the dragon’s coals rumbling and burning in the depths of his massive chest.

This, too, was an illusion.

Is nothing real, I thought?

But he ignored me and went on.

The Lady’s ssssword flashes again to unearth a stone beneath which hide both fear of failure and fear of disssapproval.

Arousssed by career uncertainty, these demons, present since you were a child and prone to reinvention, rose up to provoke deep sssseated inssssecurity. They are the sssame demon in a different form, mirror to one another Ssssister, and their inky black tendrils are entwined so one is barely discernable from the other.

Remember, Ssssister, fear is the mind killer … for everyone.

The Queen of Wands (Click on image to learn more about this piece)

I began to understand the double edged sword I dealt with. I still felt the pain of loss, the emptiness of the broken silver cord, but I understood more.

He went on.

This fear is crippling, Ssssister, and must be conquered. This is my task, as well. I will help you.

I felt relieved.

Seek the lessons in these discoveries, Ssssister. Ssseek the Earthbound Mother for your answers and know that understanding is the first step toward healing.

He meant my spiritual mother, Amma, of course.

This morning as I wrote this blogpost, I got my head in order, and a shimmering, green hummingbird paused to sip from a flower just outside the open sliding door. It was directly in line of my sight.

It felt like the Great Mother telling me everything would be alright.

Relief.

Amma 2011@ Individual Blessings: Bless Me Mother For I Have Sinned

© 2003 SMVA Trust

This year, Amma will be back in the Bay Area for Guru Purnima, a celebration open to the public, from July 15 - July 17, 2011. Keep an eye on her website for details.

I was at the Sunnyvale Hindu Temple most of the day Thursday and Friday enjoying the first public programs of Sri Karunamayi’s 2011 US Tour.  Many of us call her Amma, which means “Mother” in Her native Telegu, and I’ve seen her for 10 years mostly in the Bay Area.   This visit was important to me.  I’ve recently lost my job and find myself at a crossroads.  What do I want to focus on going forward?  I thought intensely about my health, my relationships, how I manage stress and my creativity in the days prior to the program.  I’ve also been able to help more than usual, though I’m careful to balance the needs of my family, as having more time is a beneficial side effect of unemployment.

The first of Amma’s no cost public programs was individual blessings, during which any person can approach her with a list of private concerns or needs.  It’s a carefully orchestrated event that may last up to a full day and include 400 or 450 people.  She asks for silence or our best efforts during this program and gives each of us her undivided attention when we approach her.

Aside from many spiritual aspects, and simply from my perspective, of course, there are two very important points to smoothly facilitating this day.  I mention this because it seems that people need Mother’s reassurance more than ever, and I can’t help that it rouses the meeting and event planner in me.  The first point is preventing the front door from becoming a bottleneck, and the second is gently controlling the crowd, which implies addressing everyone’s concerns sensitively and compassionately as they wait in one line or another for their time with Mother.  Seekers must enter the hall without shoes and remain silent.  There is considerable activity around this, and because the front table is the only thing that stays in one place, questions tend to land there.  With a crowd of 400, the front door can become a bottleneck quickly, and as a result seekers get worried and anxiety mounts.  As luck would have it, Thursday’s program was intimate with a little less than 200 people in total.  The door didn’t turn into a problem, and I was relieved because I was working there!

The second important component to this program, from my limited view, is what I would lovingly refer to as crowd control.  The responsibility for this falls upon the ushers, also devotees and for the most part local volunteers (aka sevites).    Most attendees are indeed very serious about their one-on-ones with Amma, but Thursday’s group felt more intense than usual, which is no surprise  given the state of the economy and our world in general.  Many people juggled personal challenges like limited time off from work, responsibility to their families, and a lack of funds, much of which we heard about at the front desk; but still many were generous with donations.  As activity happened around lining up to see Mother, their agitation grew, I felt, some even bordering on desperation.   To their credit, the ushers kept it organized, addressed each and every concern, knew when to make an exception and allow someone to step ahead in line, and then did gentle damage control around those who noticed and didn’t approve.  I thought they were awesome.

Amma was, as ever, a picture of harmonious serenity.  The relatively small size of the crowd meant She could take her time with everyone, and so she did, stretching the morning time period well past 1 p.m. before she left for a very brief break.   She never, ever reacts to any of the noise around her, and rather focuses her attention completely and totally on the individual in front of her.  It’s quite uncanny, but her attention never wavers.  

I got in line for my individual blessing at about 1:30 p.m.  and the first thing I noticed was the ruckus.  This crowd was loud and active.  The ushers worked very hard and very patiently, but people were demanding, asked questions,  and tried to cut in line for no particular reason again and again.  It was all very distracting, but like at the front desk, to me it demonstrated how upset Her children are at this time.

My Altar Space

Finally, I had my chance to approach Amma and lay my concerns at Her sacred feet.  She was lovely, and gave me a big, big smile.  Oh, how I needed that.  She also noticed my hair.  I got my hair colored yesterday, and decided to redden up the blond in the front which took the color differently, way differently!  The back is a deep red, but the front is like a Lucille Ball hair-do on fire, harkening me back to another visit with Amma in Chicago almost 10 years ago.   Is this my subconscious effort to be noticed?  Some things never change.  After giggling affectionately for a moment, She looked me right in the eye and asked me a very personal question.  And that’s when my tears started.  Suffice it to say the subsequent moments with  Amma were powerful.  There are times when she doesn’t say a word, but during this visit she addressed me verbally and very directly.  I left her feeling shaken.

Each time I see Amma, it is a successful visit; even when our contact is minimal. This time, however, I spent a number of days reflecting on my needs, and then a day in silent reflection.  Doing so left me open and receptive to the power of Mother’s divine love. 

What I considered a successful individual blessings program is a testimony to the enormous amount of work done by the Bay Area Coordinator and volunteers before, during and after Amma’s visit.  Smriti, the Coordinator, has a clear vision of what she wants, and puts love into every detail out of a strong desire to make the program as good as it can be for Ma.  In my 20 year career, I’ve done parties of up to 2,000 people, small cocktail parties, sit down dinners, community service events, and themed office parties so I can confirm it’s a lot of work under normal circumstances.  However, staying on task when Amma is present, when all we want to do is space out on Her energy, is a major accomplishment.  The way Smriti cares about the quality of Amma’s programs takes it to the next level for the benefit of every person who may connect with Sri Karunamayi during the Bay Area Program.

The two days spent with my Spiritual Mother were personally impactful in ways I’m still fully realizing, still processing. I know this is the case because my family keeps asking me if I'm preoccupied with something.  I guess I am on the deepest levels.  I want to get my impressions down in writing, but I continue to make emotional and intellectual connections, and so my perceptions are mercurial.  Even as I wrote this, I found myself getting long winded or changing my mind.

What I do know for certain is that my personal urgency and the issues in my life are no more or less important than any one person in the crowd on Individual Blessings day.  It’s true that the Divine Mother helps those who help themselves.  Yet if we’re meant to have a certain experience no matter how difficult it seems to be, I know that we are meant to learn from it in the end.  I wonder if perhaps I've gotten a bit better at going with the flow, or a bit closer to surrendering the illusion of control.

It’s taken me a year a half worth of hard core life lessons simply to get the hang of being right here in this moment.

I'm happy with that for now.

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You may be interested in more posts and information on Amma, Sri Karunamayi, as follows:

1. See more photos and a brief video of Friday’s homa (vedic fire ceremony) here.
2. View Amma’s website including tour information.
3. Enjoy a meditation video featuring the Sri Mrutyunjaya Mantra by Karunamayi here.
4. Read about my family's visit with Amma in Fremont here.
5. And search my blog for posts on Amma's visits in past years including 2008 and 2009.

Jai Karunamayi!


D❤

Guardian Series 1: Ganesha
© February 16, 2011 by Donna L. Faber