Reflecting on 2010: Dragons, Demons and Dilemmas

© Donna L. Faber

I wrote and posted this originally on April 25, 2010, almost a year ago. My work experience had begun its determined uprooting of personal demons signaling the commencement of a major life lesson.  Anticipating Amma’s 2010 visit, I was focused on the resultant inner work and heeding esoteric signals in the world around me.  As I address my feelings and pursue healing after what I experienced in the workplace and as I process my most recent visits with Amma, I find this extremely helpful.  It’s as though this specific personal lesson has almost come full circle.

At last.

The one line in this piece that speaks to me the most is this one uttered by Gregor, "This fear is crippling, Ssssister, and must be conquered."

I hope you enjoy reading this combination of fact and fiction as much as enjoyed writing it a year ago.

Amma’s visit is less than a month away. She is scheduled to be at the Hindu Temple in Sunnyvale in mid-May. This year I’ve minimized my involvement in preparation because I need to focus on myself spiritually. Her approaching visit has taken on a surreal approach; however, one that snuck up on me. As usual, She ensures all my hot buttons are pushed so I know what to focus on. It is exhausting!

Last night, I was up for three hours after 2:00 a.m. thinking. I watched Anne Bancroft and Patty Duke in “Helen Keller”, and thought about determination. I wondered where my self-confidence and resolve had gone. From the corner of my eye I saw my deceased cat, Remos, strutting down the hallway. His presence typically ushers in a new lesson or point to be made.

The last few days have been brutal. Wracked with worry about work, I’ve failed miserably at juggling the demons rising within me, the feelings and insecurities … the hot buttons. My emotions ran unchecked. Hunkered down with my family, where I feel safe and good, I rifled through these issues, and began breaking through the blockage.

My eyes closed. The television faded into the background.

© Donna L. Faber

This was my prayer.

I called my dragon.

The great and mighty dragon, Gregor, my spirit guide, emerged from the shadows. Although in astral form, I beheld his shimmering scales, the immensity of his wings, and heard the crack they made against the wind. He was all around me. Our astral selves entwined together, and I felt immense relief.

“Where have you BEEN?” I cried and felt him smile down at me.

His answer was honest and somber.

You have not called me, Sssssister.

But his response was heartfelt, full of compassion, almost indulgent.

He knew my quandary immediately.

And then he spoke.

The Goddessss approaches and Sssshe is the Queen of Swords, The Remover of Masks. She turns over ssstones in her path with her razor sharp blade. Under each stone hides one of your coveted habits. Ssssecrets and desires must be exposed to the light where you see them, recognize them, and acknowledge them. No more can they be hidden away, cloaked. They tempt you with the sweet taste of delusion and pull you away from the true path. No. These sssshiny glamours must be irradicated no matter that your perspective feels less sssparkly for that, too, is delusion.

Under one ssstone hides false friendships, or people thought to be kinship sssspirits. These children harbor an investment of something other than who you are. They were kindred once, but as lifetimesss passss, this is forgotten. The astral cord, that which keeps you bound to one another lifetime after lifetime, sssspeaks to both of you, coaxing memories, feelings, and love.

Possssibilities seems endlessss for such a partnership renewed! Yet fear prevents full ascendancy. The astral cord is broken, and you are no longer dealing with kin.

He paused to breathe deeply, and I could hear the dragon’s coals rumbling and burning in the depths of his massive chest.

This, too, was an illusion.

Is nothing real, I thought?

But he ignored me and went on.

The Lady’s ssssword flashes again to unearth a stone beneath which hide both fear of failure and fear of disssapproval.

Arousssed by career uncertainty, these demons, present since you were a child and prone to reinvention, rose up to provoke deep sssseated inssssecurity. They are the sssame demon in a different form, mirror to one another Ssssister, and their inky black tendrils are entwined so one is barely discernable from the other.

Remember, Ssssister, fear is the mind killer … for everyone.

The Queen of Wands (Click on image to learn more about this piece)

I began to understand the double edged sword I dealt with. I still felt the pain of loss, the emptiness of the broken silver cord, but I understood more.

He went on.

This fear is crippling, Ssssister, and must be conquered. This is my task, as well. I will help you.

I felt relieved.

Seek the lessons in these discoveries, Ssssister. Ssseek the Earthbound Mother for your answers and know that understanding is the first step toward healing.

He meant my spiritual mother, Amma, of course.

This morning as I wrote this blogpost, I got my head in order, and a shimmering, green hummingbird paused to sip from a flower just outside the open sliding door. It was directly in line of my sight.

It felt like the Great Mother telling me everything would be alright.

Relief.

EMERGING ART: The Queen of Wands

My panties are in a twist.

I've got a lot going on at work (finally!), stuff coming up for the PTA, family life to balance, the upstairs waiting to be cleaned ... and this piece of art calling me to task on a regular basis. I mean, I should be happy. When I'm bored, I'm miserable and prone to trouble. The other side of that coin is having too much to do. I'm not complaining. Well, I am a little ... but it feels good. Even if my panties are in a twist. It feels good.

This is what I'm working on right now, all whining aside. I originally called it "Donna & Gregor" and yes, it is a self-portrait of sorts. Then, I thought maybe "Strega & Guardian" made better sense. Then, the other day, first thing after awakening, I looked at it and realized it was "The Queen of Wands", which is all about spirit. The dragon, to me, is the ultimate symbol of spirit. This Queen's key words are "I know myself" which is also very much me. I do know myself. I have no illusions about who I am.

So, I present, for your consideration a work in progress called "The Queen of Wands".


~please click on the image for a better view~

Transformational Velocity

You must attend a Homa to truly appreciate one. Without knowledge of Vedic scripture or Hindu ritual, an intuitive person will simply know they are in the presence of a significant event. The preparation is extensive, the vibe is exquisite, and its lasting effects are unpredictably potent on all levels. This was the most intense and final day of my visit with Sri Karunamayi in the San Francisco Bay Area, and it has inspired an unusual stream of consciousness, even for me.

There is something in the air that speaks of transformational velocity, as well, a phrase I picked up from Robert Phoenix Astrology. Our existence is pregnant with transformation and the rate of change grows faster exponentially; however, for me, it was the Homa that put the big spin on it.

The Significance of Homas

A homa is a sacred fire ceremony in which various forms of the Divine are invoked in a sacred fire that has been kindled according to the guidelines in the Vedic scriptures. Certain special offerings are made into the fire while Sanskrit mantras are chanted. The combination of the powerful energy of the fire and the Sanskrit mantras creates extremely auspicious and purifying vibrations that are beneficial to all who attend the homa. The smoke that rises from a homa contains a powerful healing energy, and as it rises to the heavens it purifies the atmosphere, both physically and subtly, encouraging a peaceful environment and gentle weather. Even the damaging effects of natural catastrophes can be reduced through the performance of homas. The energetic vibrations that are invoked during a traditional Vedic fire ceremony represent the most powerful presence of the Divine on Earth. The element of fire is associated with the upward motion of the divine kundalini energy and is considered to be the most powerfully purifying element. Every kind of negative karma can be purified by the sacred homa fire, due to divine grace. Source

The Fire Goddess, Agni, is in the Homa fire. We feel Her more than see Her when She is coaxed from the flame with ritual offerings, but seeing Her is quite possible, as well. In early Hindu religion, Agni is a God, a male deity, whose extreme importance comes from the role of fire in sacrifices and rituals. He is the fire that consumes the offerings to the gods, and therefore he is the mediator between heaven and earth. In the Tibetan faith, Agni is a female goddess, a manifestation of the Goddess Tara, a form of the Great Mother, and universal shakti, who embodies the transformative element of fire in all its forms. When we feed Agni our desires, She transforms us. If our heart is open, this manifestation of the Divine Mother will work on our very cells, our karma, that which is written in our bones, to burn away karmic layer after layer.

When I look into the Homa fire, I see a dancing female figure, whose limbs and hair are alight with the creative fire of transmutation. In this photo of Amma’s Homa fire from her recent visit to Memphis, Tennesee, I actually see Agni, dancing there. Look at it closely. Wait. See.

As I mentioned in a previous post on Amma’s visit, there is one devotee whose transformation is astounding. The last time I saw her, and I won’t mention names to protect privacy, she seemed frightened, terrified even, as she pushed and shoved her way to get as close to Mother as possible. I’ve seen her crying in corners during programs, her anguish a rupture of spirit that moved me. I’ve seen this in others, too. Her pain was just like my own. This devotee made a trip to India recently to be with Amma, and I’m wagering the trip changed her.

But how?

While I know so much of Amma’s transmutation abilities are unfathomable to us, I also believe it’s about worthiness. It was for me to a degree, and I see a reflection of my own transformation is this devotee’s eyes. When the Living Goddess takes an interest in us, our self-worth is lit with a tiny flame of recognition which gradually blossoms into a full bonfire, giving us courage to attempt more in our lives. We must take the first step toward the catalyst we should embrace to gain release, but it is Her love, Her faith in us as individuals, that gives us the courage to do so. Suddenly, as reflected back in Her eyes, we become worthy. Then, on an accelerated basis and because we’ve opened the door to our hearts, so much more karmic baggage is lifted from us. This is my limited understanding.

If this isn’t transformation velocity, I don’t know what is.

During the Homa, I experienced a moment of grief as karmic cables were snapped with finality. I had a spiritual sister once, when I was young and unawakened, and during this Homa, I wished she were there with me. The longing was poignant and unexpected because I’ve been so upset with her for so long. Objectively, I found this surprising but my feelings were more of the accelerated emotional acceptance I wrote about previously. I watch this individual’s transformation from the sidelines (via the internet because I still can’t tear myself away), and I am filled with warmth for her happiness and creativity. I missed her desperately at that moment in response to the cut ties, and then felt grieving set in followed finally by acceptance, all very quickly.

Transformational velocity.

I found myself yet again pondering the connectivity in all things, the mundane and esoteric, and that which keeps us all intrinsically linked and what it is that can finally break those ties once and for all. The phrase “as above, so below” took on greater meaning. I believe there are numerous explanations for any given thing. Just like there are numerous aspects of Devi, so that we may find one that suits us best. Indeed, there are universal truths, as well, but I believe when dealing with the subjectivity of the human experience, those universal truths are interpreted in a myriad of ways. Intent matters always.

My mind wanders further, and I find myself engaged in a conversation with my DragonGuide, Gregor. Learn more about Gregor and dragon symbolism here.

I wonder if suffering is part of the job for Amma? I know it is for Ammachi. I mean, She sits for up to 24 hours at a time, and bears a perpetual bruise on her face for all the hugging she does. Then, I worry. If Jesus gave his life on the cross to absolve us of our sins, then why are Amma and Ammachi here? Which one will be the sacrifice for us this time?

“You worry about things you can do nothing about,” Gregor rumbles in his deep, baritone voice.

I am in the car again driving down Highway 280, and Gregor is spinning pinwheels in the fog that lay gracefully over mountains to the left of us. I am reflecting, and he responds telepathically, which has become second nature to me. He rather enjoyed last weekend’s blistering heat, as much as I despised it, but is infinitely more fond of cloud cover and the way his gigantic, beating wings leave patterns behind him as he spins.

Amma is an incarnation of Saraswati, who has a special affinity for rivers and water. Then, at work recently, I was involved in doing an Earth Day mini-expo, and researched the Great Garbage Patch in the Pacific. I mean, have you looked at that? If Amma is in rapport with the Earth, and she states Mother Earth is screaming with her burden, then what does it do to Her? Is part of Her reason for being here to bear the burden of our stupidity? Oh goodness, I don’t know if I can stand that.

“Mmmmm,” Gregor begins, “Ssssssshe knowsssss what Ssssshe is doing. The Great Mother would think it sssssilly that you dwell on this, child.”

He is right, of course, and he goes on.

“Yet Sssssshe asssssks you to throw up your hands to laugh out loud for nothing, and then laughssss outloud Herself. Mother tellsss you the ssssame stories again and again in the event even only one of you needsss to hear it just so to be inspired.”

Indeed. She will nod at me and shake her head, “yes, you are good” and “no, I will not leave you” as I approach her for individual blessings time after time. She is there for us one-on-one and globally. She is one aspect of many on earth, both hidden and visible, at this unique and accelerated time in our spiritual history.

Gregor is finished entertaining this stream of consciousness and retreats into the mountains, into the back of my head. My grandfather. My dragon.

I miss him immediately.

My visit with Amma and the Homa wrapped up with yet more animal symbolism, taking me back again to the card reading my friend Avia did for me. Squirrels followed me everywhere, reminding me to dig up those nuts I’ve put away for safe keeping. Then, I was poking around the book store and found a beautiful picture of Amma with a squirrel. As I was purchasing two (one for Avia, and one for myself), one of the guys behind the counter said, “Hey, you caught that, too, hm? I saw a black squirrel just over there,” he declared pointing outwardly.

There was also one curious duck, a water bird, which simply couldn’t stay away from the Homa fire, which I thought was interesting given the polarities involved. She was a mallard, and kept circling the fire to land on the roof top just above Amma, where she bobbed and weaved, peaking at the activity. I received interesting messages from that little girl, there. There were many, many bees about. Those sacred messengers took Amma’s message far and wide in their unstoppable way, some with wings that are physically too small to carry their body’s weight … yet they do. There was one very determined crow, as well, the symbolism for which followed me from home, where one very serious black, feathered messenger perched itself on the front fence to holler at me with determination. Maybe it was a raven. So many birds. Animal symbolism is the common thread in our lives if we pay attention, but animal symbolism in the presence of the Divine Mother takes on even greater significant assuredly.

Back to the now …

Yesterday, we were in Daly City still looking at houses in a very frustrating real estate market. Our real estate agent is exactly who we need at precisely this moment in time. She and my Leslie share a wonderful rapport, which makes sense given it was Leslie’s fathomless and innate real estate magic that drew her to us. The woman works from a large heart obviously, is very loyal to her clients, and has no intention of leaving us even though she’s investing huge amounts of time for what will be a minimal pay off. The Mercury Retrograde is making this a long process the chief ingredient of which is patience, clearly something Leslie and I are still working on in this life. Yet it doesn’t seem to bother this stalwart and long experienced woman. She is a strong, enduring Austrian, who hikes with 40 pounds of brick on her back to prepare for mountain climbing season. Her cell phone ring is a yodel. No lie. She’s made of stronger stuff than impatience.

I’m feeling that ping, as well, which tells me I’ve met this person before, in a life before this one, which hasn’t happened in some time.

As we were driving through Daly city, there beside the road and in the middle of a hill, was one very tall Great Blue Heron. It was completely out of place, and there was no body of water in the vicinity. I took a deep breath, feeling reassured, as the Great Blue Heron is a long standing and very familiar animal marker that even Leslie recognizes. It never, ever appears out of coincidence.

I mentioned seeing the bird to our mountain climbing, Austrian real estate agent, and she looked at me like I was bonkers.

Clearly not the superstitious type.

I’ll keep myself reigned in.

Ah well.

Transformational Velocity.