TAKING STOCK

I was born to unprepared parents whose greatest flaw was selfishness.  I was another child of the confused and self-absorbed “me” generation, and it was obvious to me even then they were more concerned with themselves than their children. I hold no ill will toward them but don’t cast pearls before swine either.  Despite their carelessness, I grew older with my self-esteem intact, and it saw me through a number of dangerous childhood traps.  These experiences left their mark, but my guardian angel was reliable.  My soul’s charter in this life did not call for rape or repeated physical abuse.  I was spared the absolute worst, and therefore a fear response is not etched indelibly in my psyche.  Rather, self-confidence was lacking, and in its place was sheer nerve, which was like spitting in the wind at times. What good is having the nerve to spit when the storm is on, if the saliva ends up blocking your vision?

Guilford Center © Leslie Faber in 2007

In my adulthood, I was “adopted” by an enlightened spiritual mother and given the gift of worthiness. This prompted self-confidence, which blossomed like a rose and manifested change quickly.  I was a vessel, and She turned me upside down.  Anger, fear and resentment were emptied from me, carrying the debris of outworn relationships with it. This was a difficult transition that lasted almost ten years, but it was poignant to my learning curve. Compassion, capability and courage rose up in its place to iron out the kinks in my life, always with a knack for pushing hot buttons.  As time went on, these buttons burned less and I learned to trust my intuition.

Now the world stands on the precipice of immense change. We live in incredible, spiritual and historic times.  I feel its winds blowing strongly. The gate is unlocked, and as I stand in the open doorway, I feel new, cathartic energy flowing in and the negative energy that rises to challenge it.  These leviathans battle on the horizon and misfortune is the global culture’s dish of the day.  When served in hearty portions, which happens frequently, this misfortune changes lives on all levels. We are prompted to embrace love or cleave desperately to fear. 

Six weeks ago, I was involuntarily separated from my job in the fall out of a financially motivated, confidence bashing, denigrating corporate merger debacle.  The year and a half process was an exercise in purging personal demons, the roots of which had grown deep into my professional worthiness. I was familiar with the purging process because it happened to me in my relationships previously, but I was nonetheless eager for it to be over.  Also. when you’re reorganized out of a job, they want you to believe it isn’t personal; but believe me, it’s completely personal.  When I was finally released, I was ready to go, and I was physically and emotionally stressed.  I was also frightened. 

The merger left me in doubt of my professional capabilities and unwilling to navigate corporate life any longer.  I wondered if it was because of my experience or in spite of it.  Obviously, the two were inexorably linked, but which came first?  Which was real? 

Preparing for Pacific Coast Dream Machines has directed my energies to something creative and constructive and begun to return my confidence.   Leslie and I overcome each small challenge working toward May 1, and I feel more and more like myself. Doing it together makes it sweeter. We’re investing personal finances when we should be storing nuts for a difficult economic winter, but my bones tell me the time is now. Now or never.

As I take stock of myself, I am relieved to rediscover one very significant personal fact:  I am almost fifty years old, and still, I will not succumb to fear. 

I discovered my grandmother, who’s been in a convalescent home for over 10 years, was recently put on hospice care. She’s 90 years old.  When we were in Connecticut three years ago, I was blessed with time to be with her, and it was difficult to leave, but I had to do what was best for my family. This highlights what haters out there don’t realize.  I do understand what family is, and in fact, I am fiercely devoted.  I am equally clear on people who pose as family members or friends but are uncaring, selfish, and manipulative in their rationalizations.  I have discernment, and these haters and I have spent enough time together in this life.

Thirty years ago, I was let go from my first job out of business school.  They gave me $360 in severance pay, and I used that money to print the first issue of a newsletter called “Feminine Connections”.  I was passionate about that newsletter.  Publishing “Feminine Connections” led me to a lesbian couple in San Leandro, one who wrote and the other did art. When I visited California to see them over the Fourth of July weekend in 1985, they introduced me to Leslie.

I didn’t succumb to fear when I moved out of my mother’s house at 16 because her husband hit me.  I didn’t let it hold me back at 21 when I moved from Connecticut to California the first time to be with Leslie.  I didn’t let it deter me when Leslie and I moved cross country.  And I won’t let it stop me when I’m belittled, insulted or threatened by haters.

I have a unique opportunity to pursue my creativity before economic demands assume their position once again.

I embrace this opportunity.

I am unafraid.

And  I can’t wait to see where it leads me.

Reflecting on 2010: Dragons, Demons and Dilemmas

© Donna L. Faber

I wrote and posted this originally on April 25, 2010, almost a year ago. My work experience had begun its determined uprooting of personal demons signaling the commencement of a major life lesson.  Anticipating Amma’s 2010 visit, I was focused on the resultant inner work and heeding esoteric signals in the world around me.  As I address my feelings and pursue healing after what I experienced in the workplace and as I process my most recent visits with Amma, I find this extremely helpful.  It’s as though this specific personal lesson has almost come full circle.

At last.

The one line in this piece that speaks to me the most is this one uttered by Gregor, "This fear is crippling, Ssssister, and must be conquered."

I hope you enjoy reading this combination of fact and fiction as much as enjoyed writing it a year ago.

Amma’s visit is less than a month away. She is scheduled to be at the Hindu Temple in Sunnyvale in mid-May. This year I’ve minimized my involvement in preparation because I need to focus on myself spiritually. Her approaching visit has taken on a surreal approach; however, one that snuck up on me. As usual, She ensures all my hot buttons are pushed so I know what to focus on. It is exhausting!

Last night, I was up for three hours after 2:00 a.m. thinking. I watched Anne Bancroft and Patty Duke in “Helen Keller”, and thought about determination. I wondered where my self-confidence and resolve had gone. From the corner of my eye I saw my deceased cat, Remos, strutting down the hallway. His presence typically ushers in a new lesson or point to be made.

The last few days have been brutal. Wracked with worry about work, I’ve failed miserably at juggling the demons rising within me, the feelings and insecurities … the hot buttons. My emotions ran unchecked. Hunkered down with my family, where I feel safe and good, I rifled through these issues, and began breaking through the blockage.

My eyes closed. The television faded into the background.

© Donna L. Faber

This was my prayer.

I called my dragon.

The great and mighty dragon, Gregor, my spirit guide, emerged from the shadows. Although in astral form, I beheld his shimmering scales, the immensity of his wings, and heard the crack they made against the wind. He was all around me. Our astral selves entwined together, and I felt immense relief.

“Where have you BEEN?” I cried and felt him smile down at me.

His answer was honest and somber.

You have not called me, Sssssister.

But his response was heartfelt, full of compassion, almost indulgent.

He knew my quandary immediately.

And then he spoke.

The Goddessss approaches and Sssshe is the Queen of Swords, The Remover of Masks. She turns over ssstones in her path with her razor sharp blade. Under each stone hides one of your coveted habits. Ssssecrets and desires must be exposed to the light where you see them, recognize them, and acknowledge them. No more can they be hidden away, cloaked. They tempt you with the sweet taste of delusion and pull you away from the true path. No. These sssshiny glamours must be irradicated no matter that your perspective feels less sssparkly for that, too, is delusion.

Under one ssstone hides false friendships, or people thought to be kinship sssspirits. These children harbor an investment of something other than who you are. They were kindred once, but as lifetimesss passss, this is forgotten. The astral cord, that which keeps you bound to one another lifetime after lifetime, sssspeaks to both of you, coaxing memories, feelings, and love.

Possssibilities seems endlessss for such a partnership renewed! Yet fear prevents full ascendancy. The astral cord is broken, and you are no longer dealing with kin.

He paused to breathe deeply, and I could hear the dragon’s coals rumbling and burning in the depths of his massive chest.

This, too, was an illusion.

Is nothing real, I thought?

But he ignored me and went on.

The Lady’s ssssword flashes again to unearth a stone beneath which hide both fear of failure and fear of disssapproval.

Arousssed by career uncertainty, these demons, present since you were a child and prone to reinvention, rose up to provoke deep sssseated inssssecurity. They are the sssame demon in a different form, mirror to one another Ssssister, and their inky black tendrils are entwined so one is barely discernable from the other.

Remember, Ssssister, fear is the mind killer … for everyone.

The Queen of Wands (Click on image to learn more about this piece)

I began to understand the double edged sword I dealt with. I still felt the pain of loss, the emptiness of the broken silver cord, but I understood more.

He went on.

This fear is crippling, Ssssister, and must be conquered. This is my task, as well. I will help you.

I felt relieved.

Seek the lessons in these discoveries, Ssssister. Ssseek the Earthbound Mother for your answers and know that understanding is the first step toward healing.

He meant my spiritual mother, Amma, of course.

This morning as I wrote this blogpost, I got my head in order, and a shimmering, green hummingbird paused to sip from a flower just outside the open sliding door. It was directly in line of my sight.

It felt like the Great Mother telling me everything would be alright.

Relief.

The White Swan of My Spirituality

© Lorcan Keating

This photo is by Lorcan Keating, who lives and works in San Francisco.  Lorcan successfully captures the vast subtleties of the world around him with his lens, focusing primarily on San Francisco neighborhoods and wildlife.  He can be found on Facebook.

Swans are revered in Hinduism, and are compared to saintly persons whose chief characteristic is to be in the world without getting attached to it, just as a swan's feather does not get wet although it is in water. The Sanskrit word for swan is hamsa or hansa, and it is the vehicle of many deities like the goddess Saraswati. It is mentioned several times in the Vedic literature, and persons who have attained great spiritual capabilities are sometimes called Paramahamsa ("Great Swan") on account of their spiritual grace and ability to travel between various spiritual worlds. In the Vedas, swans are said to reside in the summer on Lake Manasarovar and migrate to Indian lakes for the winter. They're believed to possess some powers such as the ability to eat pearls. They are also believed to be able to drink up the milk and leave the water from a saucer of milk adulterated with water. This is taken as a great quality, as shown by this Sanskrit verse:Hamsah shwetah, bakah shwetah, kah bhedah hamsa bakayo? Neeraksheera viveketu, Hamsah hamsah, bakah bakah! (Source: Wiki)

It’s been a long time since I was completely stress-free.  I’m convinced that when stress is turned up high, it blocks any good vibes from getting through, particularly when you need them the most.  It took almost a month after leaving the office, but I’m feeling much better than I was previously, and just in time, too.  Sri Karunamayi begins her U.S. Tour in the San Francisco Bay Area, and Leslie, Elizabeth and I were fortunate enough to be one of the first people to see her here today, on the first day of the first city in her tour. She landed in San Francisco International Airport, direct from India, after being in the air for 16 hours, and made her way to the family hosting her in Fremont.  We were there with about 25 of other devotees to meet her. I want to be as open and relaxed as possible so I can absorb as much of her positive spiritual energy as I can.

Sri Karunamayi is revered in India as an embodiment of divine motherly love, due to the love and affection that she showers liberally on people, animals, and even plants, the spiritual knowledge and guidance that she gives freely to all of humanity, and the humanitarian works that she has undertaken. "Amma," as she is affectionately called by her devotees, is simply the Telugu word for "mother," Telugu being Amma's native language. (http://www.karunamayi.org/)

I’ve looked forward to this visit for weeks, and it was precipitated by several days of intense and deep thought. Everything I’ve had rolling around in my head, along with residual sadness, came to the surface to be inventoried. This has happened before.  I re-evaluated by work experience, current relationships, and what I’d like to do with my life, where I’d like to focus my attention, going forward.  I thought about the people I love, my creative efforts, and the current state of our fragile world.  All this and more then bounced into my dreams last night.  First, I was in a giant ashram full of different rooms and women wearing spiritual whites and sari’s running around getting ready for Amma’s visit (an obvious corrrelation).  Then, I was in an office in a new, temporary job working for a woman who clearly didn’t like me (deja vu).  Granted, I’ve had this particular dream more than once since being laid off.  I was doing a Power Point presentation for her and couldn’t get it right no matter what I did.  She fired me finally, and I left the office building carrying a queen size mattress (an awkward burden, much like rejection), dragging it, down a large, dark woodland road (an unknown dark place).  As I walked, a tall blonde woman I didn’t recognize crouched by the roadside to nurse her baby (nurturing new ideas and directions).  A long parade of white domestic cats, all shapes and sizes, padded ghostlike across the road and into the woods behind her. They were on their way to Amma’s program, too.  I’m no expert on dream symbolism, and I usually have little interest in white cats, but I can guess on much of this.

I don’t insist my family attend Amma’s programs.  I get wrapped up in it on the days I can be there, but Elizabeth is usually in school, and Leslie is usually busy running everyone around.  They end up in the background, waiting and watching.  I figure a person doesn’t have to directly participate to benefit from the wonderful vibrations of Amma’s positive spiritual energy.  It’s like a contact high.  You don’t have to smoke the peace pipe to get the buzz. However, this home visit, outside of her programs, is special and typically for devotees who help.  I don’t feel like I did much, not compared to The Bay Area Coordinator’s efforts, but I was invited for the third time.  It is a unique opportunity to have special time with Amma outside of individual blessings and before more structured programs focus her attention on the hundreds of people (typically thousands in India) who bring their sorrows, wants and worries to lay at Her feet, revered as She is as the Divine Mother's earthly representation and Saraswati.

Amma in Fremont on March13, 2011

The family that hosts Amma is a traditional Hindu family, and so are many of her devotees.  When we entered their home, one of Amma’s bhajans (spiritual songs) played.  The house was decorated in Hindu fashion just for the ocassion and filled with a diverse blend of people; some traditional Indian, some hippy looking types, and others completely Western in appearance.  There were white sheets spread out all over the floor.  Color is of particular importance, although I don’t know the details.  Amma asks us to approach her in all white at programs, as well.  She arrived with traditional fanfare, looking no worse for the more than 24 hours spent traveling, and spoke to us in her sweet voice, as people clattered and chattered in the background.  Her children were anxious this day, nervous even.  Thank the heavens She’s arrived because Mother Earth is shaking all to pieces.

In her brief darshan, Amma focused on planetary influences and was very sad about what's happening in Japan, indicating that human greed and selfishness is at the core root of these disasters. She reminded us about the Sri Mrutyunjaya mantra, an ancient vedic healing mantra, and told us about the many homas they’ve performed in India, focusing on this month specifically.  Check out the mantra here. You don't have to sing it.  Just play it, and it works by healing and warding off negative energy whether you believe in it or not.  She mentioned that human beings are struggling psychologically with depression, anxiety, and confusion. Yet, she also laughed easily with us, assuring us that San Francisco is a very spiritual place.  Then, she blessed the Prasad, and it was passed around.  Candies, nuts, and other treats infused with her spiritual energy were given to everyone.  By the time she wrapped it up, I was completely buzzed, thoroughly high on her pure, spiritual vibration.  I watched her walk through the small crowd toward her personal room for the night, and noticed that her braid, the tiny tip of which peaked through the bottom of her shawl, was almost down to her knees.  


She is the white swan of my spirituality, and when She glides quietly and gracefully away from those of us who want and need her attention so very much, I miss her immediately.

Due to my personal disdain for modern day religion, these spiritual experiences are the closest thing to “religion” my family and I have. My love for the Divine Mother resides in my heart, my devotion or bhakti is personal, and as far as I’m concerned the Goddess is everywhere and for everyone.  She has many faces so Her children can find one to identify with. The Holy Mother, Virgin Mary, Athena, Hecate, Saraswati, Durga and even Kali are all aspects of the same to me.  I believe very strongly that we all have the right to our personal faiths without persecution, and I don’t appreciate it when others cram their experience down my throat.  This has never happened to me in the 10 years I’ve seen Amma.  The Hindu trappings, like the ancient religion itself, are not prerequisite to being in Her presence. I take what I want and need from the experience and leave the rest.  It was unnerving initially, but I’ve noted that some people who return learn to release that intimidation and adhere to the Hindu practices in programs when it’s spiritually necessary or done out of respect.  Like taking yours shoes off at the front door.

No matter what the guidelines are, and no matter if I do or don’t adhere to them, what matters is that Amma has made an enormous personal impact in my life; greater than my parents, my grandparents, and all my relatives put together. With the exception of Leslie and Elizabeth, She has been a singular most positive influence.  She helped me access and realize my worthiness, and gave me spiritual and emotional healing at a time when I was drowning in my own broken nature. She’s also been there in very tangible and somewhat unexpected ways.

Now, as I sort through the feelings accumulated over the last year and a half, I’m relieved by the certainty that my Spiritual Mother is here to help … just as She helps all her children.


Learn more about the upcoming Bay Area Program here.

Jai Ma … ❤

FROM OUR WORKSHOP: Colorful Salt Pouches

Extended craziness and expectancy at work has got me feeling witchy ... I find myself going back to some of my witchier posts as a result.  This was originally posted on Saturday, March 3, 2007 at 11:30 p.m. during a Lunar Eclipse.  It's really a March kind of thing, but I need salt's purifying properties now.  D❤

I feel the presence of the Goddess tonight, and She is embodied in the full moon. This is a March moon, what D.J. Conway calls a Storm Moon, as in “in like a lion, out like a lamb.” This was the first lunar eclipse we’ve seen in several years, and I wonder if it promises greater storms of nature or storms of the heart. There is, no doubt, change in the air. Maybe there will be political storms, or economic ones. Regardless, and for what it’s worth, I don’t see omens or ill tidings. Rather, I see the power She wields over the universe, manifest in physical form. I get secret thrills any time something like this happens. It’s as if the Divine Mother chose to make Herself seen by changing the celestial body She resides in. First, the moon was red, blood red, the color of life-giving blood, birth, and, strangely, both love and anger. Then, She cast a great shadow upon it, so the children who have forgotten Her might remember. To me, it is a grand gesture.

In response to this, the kitchen witch in me rose up with cauldron in hand, creative juices swirling powerfully. This isn’t the Wicked Witch, an old archetype of mine, for she is quiet now. It’s not The Scarlet Witch either, for she is a metaphor. No, this is a new witch, an emerging witch, one yet unnamed. One who can’t help but respond to the air of expectancy brought on by a fabulous and colorful full moon in March.

From this expansive tide, I’ve created salt pouches that challenge the tumultuous effect of the March storm, by using color, absorption, and vibration to raise positive energy.

The Month of March

“The Roman Matronalia honored Juno Lucina, an aspect of the goddess Juno, who protected women, children and the family. Statues of the goddess were decorated with flowers, and special temple fires were lit. Girls made offerings to Juno Lucina at this time of year for happy and prosperous marriages. The status of Isis suckling her child symbolizes this goddess’s aspect as the Great Mother, the caretaker of the Earth and all life. Flowers were floated on the rivers and the boats blessed with incense.” 1

In the month of March, think of the Goddess as the Great Mother and Protector. Dare to seek out your inner child, knowing she will be protected by the greatest and most powerful mother of them all. Love your inner child totally and without restriction. Be tender, be patient. Find something that makes you laugh and let your inner child out to play. There are other March indicators, as well, such as the presence of water spirits, often very active during March storms and resultant flooding. The color green is indicative of March not only for the Irish, but for prosperity. Irish Moss and daffodils are March plants, and animals include cougar, hedgehogs and boar.

Salt

I’ve always considered salt a purifier. I’ve kept bowls of it around at work and home, on my altar, and have used it to cleanse new homes. I seek out new kinds of salt regularly. For this project, I’ve used Himalayan Crystal Salt, purchased from American BlueGreen. These people know their salt and bend over backwards to describe its chemical, esoteric, and spiritual properties. This stuff is awesome!

“The energy vibration of the translucent crystals of salt amplifiy the ethereal fluid in the etheric body and the crystalline properties in the physical body. Crystalline properties in the physical body are found in cell salts throughout the lymphatic systems, thymus gland, pineal gland, red and white corpuscles, and regenerative properties within the muscular tissue. Amplification of the body's crystalline properties increases clairvoyance, telepathy, and receptivity to healing. Our human energy field operates on similar principle of electromagnetism, therefore, the translucent salt crystal becomes an extension of our own vibrations. The energy will intermingle with our own, and when properly programmed through meditation, can liberate the mind into discovering potentially unlimited awareness. In order to gain more conscious knowledge about our emotional, intellectual and physical states, we share our energy with the crystal salt. The combination of our relatively inconsistent vibrations together with the balancing ones of the crystal, can bridge the gap between our physical, mental spiritual selves. The astrological sign of the crystal salt is Pisces, and the vibration number is one. Rediscover your inner self.” 2

Ingredients

1. Small Pouches in various colors (I purchased mine from Oriental Trading). These are the colors I’ve used, but don’t let it limit you!

· White – Protection and Divinity.
· Lavender – Friendship.
· Orange – Courage.
· Red – Love (not necessarily romantic).
· Yellow – Happiness.
· Green – Prosperity.
· Light Blue – Protection and the Goddess(light blue is the color of Mary’s mantle).

Note: I do not avoid using the color black because I believe it absorbs negative energy. The way I see it, if Krishna’s skin was black, it’s good enough for me.

2. Salt (sea salt or other) – I’ve used a pure, natural and vibrational crystal salt that absorbs the energy of the full moon, the energy of the Ancient Mother, the Goddess, and releases it through the color of the pouches. Any salt will do this, but the Himlayan Crystal Salt truly resonates to me.

3. Lavender (the herb) – for healing
4. A Scarf or Throw (see more below)
5. Plastic Bags (moisture proof)
6. A Full Moon (not all full moons feel the same to me,but this one really called me out!)

Directions

1. Fill your pouches with the salt product you’ve chosen. The crystal salt I used was available in coarse cut, granulated, and actual rocks, so I put a combination of all three in each pouch (with the exception of the white pouches, which hold only white granulated salt). As you fill the pouches, focus on the Goddess, feel Her looking down on you from her watchtower in the sky. Focus on the month’s attributes, and as you handle each pouch, focus on its color’s symbolism. Focus Mother’s love from the full moon through your heart and fine tune it with your intent. Let your intent be the specific purpose of each pouch of salt.

2. Wrap the salt-filled pouches in a favorite scarf, throw or wrap. Let the wrap be emblazed with symbols that resonate to you. A moon, sun, hearts or pentacles are all symbols of the Goddess. Perhaps the wrap is just your favorite color and makes you feel good. Use your intuition! I add a sprig of lavender for healing and good intent, but feel free to put in other small favorites objects that have special spiritual meaning. You’ve created a super-infused wrapped package, kind of like a spiritual burrito.

3. Put your package in a plastic bag that is big enough to keep out moisture. Seal it carefully.

4. Place the package, sealed in plastic, outside, where it baths in the light of the full moon over night.

5. The next morning, bring your package into the home knowing it has bathed in the loving light of the Great Goddess. The salt has fully absorbed Her cosmic energy, and will readily emit that energy through the color of each pouch.

If you’d like to bring more happiness into your life, place a yellow pouch under your pillow at night. For prosperity, use green. Pouches can be placed on your altar or other sacred space, or they can be used as a gift for someone special. Whatever you choose to do with them, even if it’s simply putting them on a knic-knac shelf, know that they are kissed by the Divine Mother herself.

End Notes

1. MOON MAGICK, by D.J. Conway, © 1995 by Llewellyn Publications, p. 62.

2. American Blue Green LLC, Copyright © 2004-2005 All rights reserved, http://www.himalayancrystalsalt.com/

MY LATEST RANT

If you look at my blogs over the last year, you’ll see I’ve mostly bitched about waiting. I’ve had a bunch of good bursts of artistic inspiration (as the muse was never far away), but I’ve written on waiting, on temperance, on wishing, wanting and whittling away. I’ve reflected, renewed, reminisced, reconnoitered, and reconciled with personal demons. I’ve resurrected old articles and posted them anew. I’ve done everything accept stand on my head and whistle dixie from my arse, and yet seven months later I’m waiting still.

I know. It seems impossible that a company this big could take this long to organize key services, but after day one of the merger, it came to a screeching halt and the waiting started. What followed was the steady disassembling of our positions, the paranoia, the fear, and the attacks on our confidence. I overcame that. There was the vacuum vortex of conspiracy that threatened my peers and I, and we were almost turned into zombies by the utter and almost viral paralysis of one individual in authority. That situation didn't change until that individual found out she was being let go and sort of faded into the background of what was already hulking shadows and threatening questions.  We were completely cut off from what was happening by that. There were rude associates from the other side, people we had to work with but who made our lives miserable with undermining insults.  Disagreeing with this unprofessional treatment and lack of common respect implied not getting along with the team and was frowned upon.  This was followed quickly by the big projects that found me complying for the sake of the work. It was either that or sabotage their efforts, and I don’t do that. In between those happy jaunts, during which we won’t even go into what happened to my ego, there were days and days of soul sucking boredom when nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, happened in the office. I’ll take a good, difficult project any day.  I'll work hours on end if it means my mind is engaged.  But the boring day to day makes me weary. Having nothing to do at work makes me want to throw my computer out a window and jump after it.

I’ve tried very hard to be a trooper. I have one friend who tells me they are sizing me up, wanting to see what I’m made of so they can promote me. Another one tells me she’d be absolutely floored if I’m not layed off.  I’ve observed one lay-off after another, actually had to separate six of my own secretaries at one point, and have watched people be picked off from the sidelines as though by a sniper while everyone else worked harder to avoid be targetted. I have friends that I know I’m driving crazy with my ceaseless whining, and I’m wagering they think I should shut up and be thankful I have a job. So, I suppose every day I’m employed should be a good day … but does it count if my brain is fried and my attitude sucks?

What do I have to show for all this downtime? I can tell you that on Facebook Lady Bunny has so many pictures on her wall, it takes more than 5 minutes to scroll down them all. I’ve stared at Facebook so much, I actually go home to look at it again. I used up all my vacation time and much of my limitless sick time before January 1, and that was in self-defense. I’ve cleaned out our garage more than three times, and we’ve had no less than five garage sales as a result. The extra cash was cool.

I’ve done a lot of art over the last year. That much is true and good. I haven’t sold one piece, but I’ve given away much of it to people who were touched by the gesture. I believe it should be spread around regardless.

If this was happening ten or even just five years ago, I could tell these people to take their job and shove it and find something else with little effort. Now, it’s like trudging up hill in sewage. I’ve applied for more than 15 good looking positions since November 1, and have had few nibbles. Most of the time I’m overqualified or they won’t pay what I’m looking for, but the majority of the jobs out there are in high tech or health care, anyhow, so ... As much as I’d like to, I can’t walk away from this mess given the economy and the job market.  This feeling of confinement, of being trapped, is a big part of why I'm so aggravated.  I think I’m in a rut. If I wasn’t, I’d feel like I was using this time more effectively, wouldn’t I? Why aren’t I walking more or loosing more weight? Instead, it feels like it’s sucking the energy right out of me.

A year ago at this time, I was leading an integration sub-team of members from Paris, Mexico City, London, and New York, and leading conference calls across geographies at 6:00 a.m. in the morning. We were making plans for the merger. In the office, I was responsible for HR, new hire orientation, all the secretaries and workflow, finance, office services including safety and security, event planning, community service, data security, facilities and space management, and business continuity. I had 20 direct reports, and I was considered a business partner.  My input was valued.

Today, I have four people reporting to me and I attended a webcast entitled “Emergency Preparedness for Dummies”.

I’ve been through the first round of interviews for my new, restructured position which is comprised of about one quarter of what I was doing previously. The second round is imminent, and I feel like I did when Elizabeth was two weeks overdue and all I could is sit in the big chair and wait.

I’m in the last quarter and there isn’t a quarter back sneak in sight.

Pathetic.

Emerging Art: SO MUCH LOVE

My cousin, Pam, in Tennessee has reached a new place in her life and wants to commemorate it with a tattoo.  She asked me to design it for her, and she and I have been working on it over the last few days.  Tonight, it's name emerged.


It's almost done ...

Version 1

Version 2

SO MUCH LOVE (Incomplete)
© October 18, 2010 by Donna L. Faber

Getting What You Want

MY TAROT DECK

I’d like to share my latest art project with you. It’s a tarot deck in-progress, and I’ve called it the Creating is Breathing Tarot.

What is the Creating is Breathing Tarot?

Creating is Breathing Tarot uses pop-culture imagery from any and all sources regardless of origin or copyright. I have no plans to sell this deck, and will probably end up giving the original individual cards away. Each completed card has been copy written under an Attribution Creative Commons license on Flickr, however, which I hope is the right thing to do (I’m open to input).

When all is said and done, I’ll have three separate tarot galleries on my art site donnalouisefaber.com. One will be exclusively for Major Arcana cards, one for Minor Arcana Royalty, and the last will be for Minor Arcana Suit cards. As I do with the rest of my art, I will blog significant meanings and symbolism for each tarot card and link everything together so it’s relatively easy to find.

This began as an art journal that I posted on Flickr and Facebook. I started journaling in response to a period of artistic attention deficit that I’m probably still going through, and a bunch of inspiration I got from bloggers I know who art journal regularly. It seemed like a good way to relieve my need to create without entering into too much of a commitment, so I began making little collages. Those pieces gradually transformed into tarot cards, although I’m not sure why or how. They just … well, they just sort of happened.

Sharing the Process

Each card is a 3”x5” collage. The small size is a challenge I enjoy working with. To satisfy my creative urge and bring each small vision into reality, I need the freedom to pull whatever images I desire, without any restriction.

First, I get closer to the symbolism and meaning of the card using a number of my favorite book and internet resources. Then, I focus on graphics, look for images, and loosely plan composition. I think the longest and toughest part is actually cutting all the little bits and pieces out using scissors and without mangling them. But that’s also part of the meditation or spiritual infusion of each card. It’s important I let spirit move through me (something an artist friend of mine in NYC would say) to allow the card to be whatever it needs to be. If I interfere intellectually with that process for some silly reason, it stalls or gets frustrating. When I assemble the collage, at last it transforms based on the needs of that assembly. I do highlights with a metallic pen, if it needs it. Not all cards do.

At the time of this writing, I’ve got a large, unfinished and beautiful piece on Francine sitting in my dining room. She stares out at me with lovely green eyes and enticingly red lips. This poor incomplete muse is a reluctant refugee of my artistic attention deficit syndrome. I hope she returns soon, demanding attention, making a ruckus and breaking rules in love.

Until then, I hope these tiny morsels of intuited tarot wisdom satisfy your artistic cravings as they do mine.

D♥

Visit donnalouisefaber.com to read more.

ART JOURNAL: Heavy Thoughts

One of the coolest parts of my art journal is that I can explore heavier thoughts and blend them with pop culture. This project started as a way to pop the release valve on my need to create, but it's turned into something really enriching, like a private treasure map to the hot buttons of my psyche.




...and there is always Dolly.

Why an ART JOURNAL?

I’ve got a beautiful journal that I found at Papyrus. It’s smallish, made of embossed leather, has hand made paper, and is just gorgeous.

I have a thing for Journals. Perhaps even a fetish. I don’t know what it is, except that I am very happy wandering around in a stationery or office supply store, and always manage to gravitate to the journal section at Barnes & Noble. I can’t help it. There is something about the blank pages that call me out and and make me want to fill them. I’ve always got a journal in my purse, as well, just in case something comes up, something that I don’t want to forget.

Concurrently, and I’m not sure why, I’m at a block with the latest art piece I’m working on. And I’m feeling kind of skippy yippy about everything else. It’s like a period of attention deficit I’m going through. Even though I still have the urge to do art, I’m not focused long enough to a large piece.

So, what is the answer?

And then it hit me!

I’ll do an art journal! Everyone is doing them. There are websites devoted to them out there. I’ve got the supplies, and I’ve always loved to do collage work. Usually when I’m going through an attention deficit period like this one, collage work or card making does the trick. Having it all together in a book will satisfy my need for magic, as well. Imagine how wonderful it will be when it’s done!

D♥

www.donnalouisefaber.com

Creating is breathing! Or at least it is to me! Visit my brand new art site at http://www.donnalouisefaber.com/. Purchase prints, cool stuff, and gallery quality prints. Browse the blog where I invite you along on the journey I took to get to each piece. This is something I've wanted to do since 2005, and while all things come in their own time, it so nice to be here at last!