Amma Must Be Due, Because I'm a Mess

Life has been moving 90 miles an hour since my unemployment ran out unexpectedly in September (yes, I’m still tripping on that).  That’s not to assume no good things have happened, because they have.  My weight loss is steady since weight loss surgery in June (84 pounds down), I've been published with a by-line more than once in the local paper, Elizabeth is doing well in school, and Leslie is still cooking up a storm.  Despite various stress related twitches, we’re all more or less healthy.  Yet, keeping on top of home finances without busting a vein has been a challenge.

Initially, I was focused on finding work, and of course, I wanted full time work.  It wasn't happening, particularly that close to the holidays.  Thanks to previously blogged guardian angels, I got two part time jobs that I continue to be very grateful for.  They are both temporary positions I expect to wrap up by the end of March, although there has always been uncertainty around one of them. 

I was determined to get through Christmas on a good note because it’s important to me.  Not because I’m religious in the conventional sense, but for other more personal reasons.  I needed to provide my family with a decent holiday, and I was anxious about it. It wasn't a materialistic one, but it was meaningful.  Both Elizabeth and Leslie were happy and appreciative, and our little tree was the most beautiful we've had in years. I totally fell in love with it.

I've done a lot of worrying over the last four months, which isn't me.  I'm not the worrier in the family.  I'm usually confident it'll turn out alright (whatever it is) and cool with waiting to see what happens.

Lately I've been unable to see that far, if you know what I mean.

Leslie, Elizabeth and I were out last Sunday evening, and, as I was walking around, I felt normal one moment and super funky, I mean really down low, the next.  I thought my hormones were acting up, as though perhaps it was “that time in a woman’s life” (and, by the way, it more or less is, although I like to think I’m being graceful about it).  The melt-down I had the end of the night was inevitable because I tried to push through it, when I should have rested.

The next morning I woke up with my muscles stuck to the mattress, sick as a dog. The whole day was about staying hydrated so I wouldn't end up in the hospital.

Yesterday, I felt much better, but not well enough to go to work.  Still, I tagged along with Leslie on an appointment to get some fresh air. I waited for her in the car. It was the first time in months I've had a quiet hour to myself.  So there I was in the van, jotting down my thoughts on a pad and watching the people go by.  

Finally, I was able to think.

All this worry I'm doing challenges me on a basic and personal level. My last experience with corporate wasn't a good one. It was more like the polar opposite of good, or like getting a root canal that lasts a year. However, despite the personal cost and the anxiety, it gave me a way to take care of my family.  Now, as it becomes increasingly difficult to live on part-time jobs, I find myself longing for the consistency of regular full-time corporate employment.  The alternative, be it writing or another part-time job, just isn't coming through, and that isn't acceptable. 

As Leslie says, "You need to jump back into it." 

How's that for ironic.

My spiritual mother, Sri Karunamayi, is due in the Bay Area in mid-March, the same general time my temporary jobs are supposed to wrap up.  I'm convinced it’s no coincidence that these insecurities around being a provider and corporate work break out of their little cages just as Amma’s visit approaches.  It’s happened this way before.  The spiritually minded believe these things happen the way they do to highlight what we most need to work on in the presence of the masters. 

Well, I definitely get the message.  

Amma must be due, because I'm a big, nervous, worried mess.

The White Swan of My Spirituality

© Lorcan Keating

This photo is by Lorcan Keating, who lives and works in San Francisco.  Lorcan successfully captures the vast subtleties of the world around him with his lens, focusing primarily on San Francisco neighborhoods and wildlife.  He can be found on Facebook.

Swans are revered in Hinduism, and are compared to saintly persons whose chief characteristic is to be in the world without getting attached to it, just as a swan's feather does not get wet although it is in water. The Sanskrit word for swan is hamsa or hansa, and it is the vehicle of many deities like the goddess Saraswati. It is mentioned several times in the Vedic literature, and persons who have attained great spiritual capabilities are sometimes called Paramahamsa ("Great Swan") on account of their spiritual grace and ability to travel between various spiritual worlds. In the Vedas, swans are said to reside in the summer on Lake Manasarovar and migrate to Indian lakes for the winter. They're believed to possess some powers such as the ability to eat pearls. They are also believed to be able to drink up the milk and leave the water from a saucer of milk adulterated with water. This is taken as a great quality, as shown by this Sanskrit verse:Hamsah shwetah, bakah shwetah, kah bhedah hamsa bakayo? Neeraksheera viveketu, Hamsah hamsah, bakah bakah! (Source: Wiki)

It’s been a long time since I was completely stress-free.  I’m convinced that when stress is turned up high, it blocks any good vibes from getting through, particularly when you need them the most.  It took almost a month after leaving the office, but I’m feeling much better than I was previously, and just in time, too.  Sri Karunamayi begins her U.S. Tour in the San Francisco Bay Area, and Leslie, Elizabeth and I were fortunate enough to be one of the first people to see her here today, on the first day of the first city in her tour. She landed in San Francisco International Airport, direct from India, after being in the air for 16 hours, and made her way to the family hosting her in Fremont.  We were there with about 25 of other devotees to meet her. I want to be as open and relaxed as possible so I can absorb as much of her positive spiritual energy as I can.

Sri Karunamayi is revered in India as an embodiment of divine motherly love, due to the love and affection that she showers liberally on people, animals, and even plants, the spiritual knowledge and guidance that she gives freely to all of humanity, and the humanitarian works that she has undertaken. "Amma," as she is affectionately called by her devotees, is simply the Telugu word for "mother," Telugu being Amma's native language. (http://www.karunamayi.org/)

I’ve looked forward to this visit for weeks, and it was precipitated by several days of intense and deep thought. Everything I’ve had rolling around in my head, along with residual sadness, came to the surface to be inventoried. This has happened before.  I re-evaluated by work experience, current relationships, and what I’d like to do with my life, where I’d like to focus my attention, going forward.  I thought about the people I love, my creative efforts, and the current state of our fragile world.  All this and more then bounced into my dreams last night.  First, I was in a giant ashram full of different rooms and women wearing spiritual whites and sari’s running around getting ready for Amma’s visit (an obvious corrrelation).  Then, I was in an office in a new, temporary job working for a woman who clearly didn’t like me (deja vu).  Granted, I’ve had this particular dream more than once since being laid off.  I was doing a Power Point presentation for her and couldn’t get it right no matter what I did.  She fired me finally, and I left the office building carrying a queen size mattress (an awkward burden, much like rejection), dragging it, down a large, dark woodland road (an unknown dark place).  As I walked, a tall blonde woman I didn’t recognize crouched by the roadside to nurse her baby (nurturing new ideas and directions).  A long parade of white domestic cats, all shapes and sizes, padded ghostlike across the road and into the woods behind her. They were on their way to Amma’s program, too.  I’m no expert on dream symbolism, and I usually have little interest in white cats, but I can guess on much of this.

I don’t insist my family attend Amma’s programs.  I get wrapped up in it on the days I can be there, but Elizabeth is usually in school, and Leslie is usually busy running everyone around.  They end up in the background, waiting and watching.  I figure a person doesn’t have to directly participate to benefit from the wonderful vibrations of Amma’s positive spiritual energy.  It’s like a contact high.  You don’t have to smoke the peace pipe to get the buzz. However, this home visit, outside of her programs, is special and typically for devotees who help.  I don’t feel like I did much, not compared to The Bay Area Coordinator’s efforts, but I was invited for the third time.  It is a unique opportunity to have special time with Amma outside of individual blessings and before more structured programs focus her attention on the hundreds of people (typically thousands in India) who bring their sorrows, wants and worries to lay at Her feet, revered as She is as the Divine Mother's earthly representation and Saraswati.

Amma in Fremont on March13, 2011

The family that hosts Amma is a traditional Hindu family, and so are many of her devotees.  When we entered their home, one of Amma’s bhajans (spiritual songs) played.  The house was decorated in Hindu fashion just for the ocassion and filled with a diverse blend of people; some traditional Indian, some hippy looking types, and others completely Western in appearance.  There were white sheets spread out all over the floor.  Color is of particular importance, although I don’t know the details.  Amma asks us to approach her in all white at programs, as well.  She arrived with traditional fanfare, looking no worse for the more than 24 hours spent traveling, and spoke to us in her sweet voice, as people clattered and chattered in the background.  Her children were anxious this day, nervous even.  Thank the heavens She’s arrived because Mother Earth is shaking all to pieces.

In her brief darshan, Amma focused on planetary influences and was very sad about what's happening in Japan, indicating that human greed and selfishness is at the core root of these disasters. She reminded us about the Sri Mrutyunjaya mantra, an ancient vedic healing mantra, and told us about the many homas they’ve performed in India, focusing on this month specifically.  Check out the mantra here. You don't have to sing it.  Just play it, and it works by healing and warding off negative energy whether you believe in it or not.  She mentioned that human beings are struggling psychologically with depression, anxiety, and confusion. Yet, she also laughed easily with us, assuring us that San Francisco is a very spiritual place.  Then, she blessed the Prasad, and it was passed around.  Candies, nuts, and other treats infused with her spiritual energy were given to everyone.  By the time she wrapped it up, I was completely buzzed, thoroughly high on her pure, spiritual vibration.  I watched her walk through the small crowd toward her personal room for the night, and noticed that her braid, the tiny tip of which peaked through the bottom of her shawl, was almost down to her knees.  


She is the white swan of my spirituality, and when She glides quietly and gracefully away from those of us who want and need her attention so very much, I miss her immediately.

Due to my personal disdain for modern day religion, these spiritual experiences are the closest thing to “religion” my family and I have. My love for the Divine Mother resides in my heart, my devotion or bhakti is personal, and as far as I’m concerned the Goddess is everywhere and for everyone.  She has many faces so Her children can find one to identify with. The Holy Mother, Virgin Mary, Athena, Hecate, Saraswati, Durga and even Kali are all aspects of the same to me.  I believe very strongly that we all have the right to our personal faiths without persecution, and I don’t appreciate it when others cram their experience down my throat.  This has never happened to me in the 10 years I’ve seen Amma.  The Hindu trappings, like the ancient religion itself, are not prerequisite to being in Her presence. I take what I want and need from the experience and leave the rest.  It was unnerving initially, but I’ve noted that some people who return learn to release that intimidation and adhere to the Hindu practices in programs when it’s spiritually necessary or done out of respect.  Like taking yours shoes off at the front door.

No matter what the guidelines are, and no matter if I do or don’t adhere to them, what matters is that Amma has made an enormous personal impact in my life; greater than my parents, my grandparents, and all my relatives put together. With the exception of Leslie and Elizabeth, She has been a singular most positive influence.  She helped me access and realize my worthiness, and gave me spiritual and emotional healing at a time when I was drowning in my own broken nature. She’s also been there in very tangible and somewhat unexpected ways.

Now, as I sort through the feelings accumulated over the last year and a half, I’m relieved by the certainty that my Spiritual Mother is here to help … just as She helps all her children.


Learn more about the upcoming Bay Area Program here.

Jai Ma … ❤

Transformational Velocity

You must attend a Homa to truly appreciate one. Without knowledge of Vedic scripture or Hindu ritual, an intuitive person will simply know they are in the presence of a significant event. The preparation is extensive, the vibe is exquisite, and its lasting effects are unpredictably potent on all levels. This was the most intense and final day of my visit with Sri Karunamayi in the San Francisco Bay Area, and it has inspired an unusual stream of consciousness, even for me.

There is something in the air that speaks of transformational velocity, as well, a phrase I picked up from Robert Phoenix Astrology. Our existence is pregnant with transformation and the rate of change grows faster exponentially; however, for me, it was the Homa that put the big spin on it.

The Significance of Homas

A homa is a sacred fire ceremony in which various forms of the Divine are invoked in a sacred fire that has been kindled according to the guidelines in the Vedic scriptures. Certain special offerings are made into the fire while Sanskrit mantras are chanted. The combination of the powerful energy of the fire and the Sanskrit mantras creates extremely auspicious and purifying vibrations that are beneficial to all who attend the homa. The smoke that rises from a homa contains a powerful healing energy, and as it rises to the heavens it purifies the atmosphere, both physically and subtly, encouraging a peaceful environment and gentle weather. Even the damaging effects of natural catastrophes can be reduced through the performance of homas. The energetic vibrations that are invoked during a traditional Vedic fire ceremony represent the most powerful presence of the Divine on Earth. The element of fire is associated with the upward motion of the divine kundalini energy and is considered to be the most powerfully purifying element. Every kind of negative karma can be purified by the sacred homa fire, due to divine grace. Source

The Fire Goddess, Agni, is in the Homa fire. We feel Her more than see Her when She is coaxed from the flame with ritual offerings, but seeing Her is quite possible, as well. In early Hindu religion, Agni is a God, a male deity, whose extreme importance comes from the role of fire in sacrifices and rituals. He is the fire that consumes the offerings to the gods, and therefore he is the mediator between heaven and earth. In the Tibetan faith, Agni is a female goddess, a manifestation of the Goddess Tara, a form of the Great Mother, and universal shakti, who embodies the transformative element of fire in all its forms. When we feed Agni our desires, She transforms us. If our heart is open, this manifestation of the Divine Mother will work on our very cells, our karma, that which is written in our bones, to burn away karmic layer after layer.

When I look into the Homa fire, I see a dancing female figure, whose limbs and hair are alight with the creative fire of transmutation. In this photo of Amma’s Homa fire from her recent visit to Memphis, Tennesee, I actually see Agni, dancing there. Look at it closely. Wait. See.

As I mentioned in a previous post on Amma’s visit, there is one devotee whose transformation is astounding. The last time I saw her, and I won’t mention names to protect privacy, she seemed frightened, terrified even, as she pushed and shoved her way to get as close to Mother as possible. I’ve seen her crying in corners during programs, her anguish a rupture of spirit that moved me. I’ve seen this in others, too. Her pain was just like my own. This devotee made a trip to India recently to be with Amma, and I’m wagering the trip changed her.

But how?

While I know so much of Amma’s transmutation abilities are unfathomable to us, I also believe it’s about worthiness. It was for me to a degree, and I see a reflection of my own transformation is this devotee’s eyes. When the Living Goddess takes an interest in us, our self-worth is lit with a tiny flame of recognition which gradually blossoms into a full bonfire, giving us courage to attempt more in our lives. We must take the first step toward the catalyst we should embrace to gain release, but it is Her love, Her faith in us as individuals, that gives us the courage to do so. Suddenly, as reflected back in Her eyes, we become worthy. Then, on an accelerated basis and because we’ve opened the door to our hearts, so much more karmic baggage is lifted from us. This is my limited understanding.

If this isn’t transformation velocity, I don’t know what is.

During the Homa, I experienced a moment of grief as karmic cables were snapped with finality. I had a spiritual sister once, when I was young and unawakened, and during this Homa, I wished she were there with me. The longing was poignant and unexpected because I’ve been so upset with her for so long. Objectively, I found this surprising but my feelings were more of the accelerated emotional acceptance I wrote about previously. I watch this individual’s transformation from the sidelines (via the internet because I still can’t tear myself away), and I am filled with warmth for her happiness and creativity. I missed her desperately at that moment in response to the cut ties, and then felt grieving set in followed finally by acceptance, all very quickly.

Transformational velocity.

I found myself yet again pondering the connectivity in all things, the mundane and esoteric, and that which keeps us all intrinsically linked and what it is that can finally break those ties once and for all. The phrase “as above, so below” took on greater meaning. I believe there are numerous explanations for any given thing. Just like there are numerous aspects of Devi, so that we may find one that suits us best. Indeed, there are universal truths, as well, but I believe when dealing with the subjectivity of the human experience, those universal truths are interpreted in a myriad of ways. Intent matters always.

My mind wanders further, and I find myself engaged in a conversation with my DragonGuide, Gregor. Learn more about Gregor and dragon symbolism here.

I wonder if suffering is part of the job for Amma? I know it is for Ammachi. I mean, She sits for up to 24 hours at a time, and bears a perpetual bruise on her face for all the hugging she does. Then, I worry. If Jesus gave his life on the cross to absolve us of our sins, then why are Amma and Ammachi here? Which one will be the sacrifice for us this time?

“You worry about things you can do nothing about,” Gregor rumbles in his deep, baritone voice.

I am in the car again driving down Highway 280, and Gregor is spinning pinwheels in the fog that lay gracefully over mountains to the left of us. I am reflecting, and he responds telepathically, which has become second nature to me. He rather enjoyed last weekend’s blistering heat, as much as I despised it, but is infinitely more fond of cloud cover and the way his gigantic, beating wings leave patterns behind him as he spins.

Amma is an incarnation of Saraswati, who has a special affinity for rivers and water. Then, at work recently, I was involved in doing an Earth Day mini-expo, and researched the Great Garbage Patch in the Pacific. I mean, have you looked at that? If Amma is in rapport with the Earth, and she states Mother Earth is screaming with her burden, then what does it do to Her? Is part of Her reason for being here to bear the burden of our stupidity? Oh goodness, I don’t know if I can stand that.

“Mmmmm,” Gregor begins, “Ssssssshe knowsssss what Ssssshe is doing. The Great Mother would think it sssssilly that you dwell on this, child.”

He is right, of course, and he goes on.

“Yet Sssssshe asssssks you to throw up your hands to laugh out loud for nothing, and then laughssss outloud Herself. Mother tellsss you the ssssame stories again and again in the event even only one of you needsss to hear it just so to be inspired.”

Indeed. She will nod at me and shake her head, “yes, you are good” and “no, I will not leave you” as I approach her for individual blessings time after time. She is there for us one-on-one and globally. She is one aspect of many on earth, both hidden and visible, at this unique and accelerated time in our spiritual history.

Gregor is finished entertaining this stream of consciousness and retreats into the mountains, into the back of my head. My grandfather. My dragon.

I miss him immediately.

My visit with Amma and the Homa wrapped up with yet more animal symbolism, taking me back again to the card reading my friend Avia did for me. Squirrels followed me everywhere, reminding me to dig up those nuts I’ve put away for safe keeping. Then, I was poking around the book store and found a beautiful picture of Amma with a squirrel. As I was purchasing two (one for Avia, and one for myself), one of the guys behind the counter said, “Hey, you caught that, too, hm? I saw a black squirrel just over there,” he declared pointing outwardly.

There was also one curious duck, a water bird, which simply couldn’t stay away from the Homa fire, which I thought was interesting given the polarities involved. She was a mallard, and kept circling the fire to land on the roof top just above Amma, where she bobbed and weaved, peaking at the activity. I received interesting messages from that little girl, there. There were many, many bees about. Those sacred messengers took Amma’s message far and wide in their unstoppable way, some with wings that are physically too small to carry their body’s weight … yet they do. There was one very determined crow, as well, the symbolism for which followed me from home, where one very serious black, feathered messenger perched itself on the front fence to holler at me with determination. Maybe it was a raven. So many birds. Animal symbolism is the common thread in our lives if we pay attention, but animal symbolism in the presence of the Divine Mother takes on even greater significant assuredly.

Back to the now …

Yesterday, we were in Daly City still looking at houses in a very frustrating real estate market. Our real estate agent is exactly who we need at precisely this moment in time. She and my Leslie share a wonderful rapport, which makes sense given it was Leslie’s fathomless and innate real estate magic that drew her to us. The woman works from a large heart obviously, is very loyal to her clients, and has no intention of leaving us even though she’s investing huge amounts of time for what will be a minimal pay off. The Mercury Retrograde is making this a long process the chief ingredient of which is patience, clearly something Leslie and I are still working on in this life. Yet it doesn’t seem to bother this stalwart and long experienced woman. She is a strong, enduring Austrian, who hikes with 40 pounds of brick on her back to prepare for mountain climbing season. Her cell phone ring is a yodel. No lie. She’s made of stronger stuff than impatience.

I’m feeling that ping, as well, which tells me I’ve met this person before, in a life before this one, which hasn’t happened in some time.

As we were driving through Daly city, there beside the road and in the middle of a hill, was one very tall Great Blue Heron. It was completely out of place, and there was no body of water in the vicinity. I took a deep breath, feeling reassured, as the Great Blue Heron is a long standing and very familiar animal marker that even Leslie recognizes. It never, ever appears out of coincidence.

I mentioned seeing the bird to our mountain climbing, Austrian real estate agent, and she looked at me like I was bonkers.

Clearly not the superstitious type.

I’ll keep myself reigned in.

Ah well.

Transformational Velocity.

BACK TO MY ROOTS

Join me as I wander back to my spiritual roots in a new blog entitled Every Woman is a Witch.

Amma 2009: Part 2

Inspiration

Friday evening, finished with work, I walked down Market Street with my bag and laptop slung over a shoulder. I was headed towards the Embarcadero BART Station. My theme song music of late is Alanis Morissette singing the James Michael Mix of “Crazy” by Seal. It’s on the soundtrack from “The Devil Wears Prada”, and it was blaring in my ears from an iPod. I walked briskly as the usual scenery of people flew on by, a colorful dichotomy that reeks suspiciously of the growing class divide in America. The homeless woman begging for change in front of the escalator, the one I’ve watched deteriorate over the last ten years is a testament to that; however, the child who’s been selling candy for two weeks is new. It’s easier to see this in the city, if you haven’t desensitized yourself to it.

It was a long week.

I pulled off an Earth Day Mini-Expo on Wednesday, fed 50 people pizza, chased around ridiculously busy principals asking for Admin Day donations for three days in a row, and had more than my usual share of intense one-on-one conversations with staff. Work is getting stressful, and people act differently under stress. Leslie and I also struggled with the offer we made on a townhouse, and the real estate agent we were working with who got greasier by the minute.

I was very tired.

As I walked, the strangest thing happened.

One moment I felt bogged down by the weight of the week, and then suddenly, I felt buoyant, as if a ray of sunlight straight from heaven shined down on me. I am so happy to be back in San Francisco, and I appreciate every moment of it. My job is great, and I am successful with it. My family is happy, and we are looking for a new home. It felt like anything was possible. It felt like absolute liberation from the weight of the world.

And then, I felt tired.

And again, I felt buoyant.

It went back and forth like this a number of times as I walked to my background music.

It started the night of Amma’s public program.

I was so happy to see Her, and consequently very focused on She and the personal issues I brought with me to think upon; my health, my creativity, and my spirituality. Leslie and Elizabeth were there, as well, getting their dose of divine love.

Amma opened her night time public program with a very intense Ganesha mantra. We hailed Ganesha as the remover of obstacles, and appealed to him asking for the removal of barriers to our efforts. Talk about personally appropriate. Amma hit it hard with Sanskrit acid rock that I felt from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. As Amma chanted, accompanied by Brett on his tom tom, the beat resonated heavily through my chest like a battering ram. I happened to be sitting right underneath an enormous speaker, as well.

Eyes closed in meditation, I began to unwind.

Ah.

My mind wandered back to the two years we spent in Connecticut. They were emotionally demanding, quite difficult really, and something I’ve only just come to terms with emotionally. Intellectually I was all over it, but emotionally? I’m very good in a crisis, but slow to absorb the fall out.

I felt a slow acceptance of the recent past made more expedient.

The lessons and the loss caused a crust of emotional protection, sister to grieving, which begin to soften and then dissipate, as well. This layer was followed by spiritual defenses requiring demolition. Those subtle barriers went up without my conscious knowledge and are consequently much harder to identify, never mind disassemble. Over time and with considerable work, I’ve gotten a handle on my emotional defenses, but the spiritual barricading surprises me.

My emotional and spiritual bodies are intrinsically linked as they are in everyone.

The evening went on, and I listened to Amma’s discourse. With it, she addressed the concerns lurking in my conscious and subconscious mind. The words meant for me hit the arrow right on the mark. There was no mistaking it.

I thought about my spirituality building up to this visit. How could I avoid it after spending time with other devotees whose commitment was enduring and unquestionable? Am I where I should be, I wondered. I grapple with the demands of my home life and spiritual progress I thought I should be making. I know my family is my priority, but I worry that I don’t meditate enough, and when will I ever give up meat? What does this commitment to my family mean to the rest of me?

Amma’s answer, given to the entire crowd, was succinct.

“Amma is here to inspire you,” she said. “You are already very spiritual. When it’s time, it will fully blossom.”

I took a deep breath as She stated by the time we are fifty we should be better focused on our spirituality, as well.

Amma does this in a most mysterious way. She doesn’t answer general questions in a formalized forum. As her visit approached, I spent time worrying about a certain topic, and in her public program, She addressed my concern practically to a “T”. I bet if you asked others in the audience, they would be astounded by the same thing. How does she do it? One might say She is the goddess, revered as Saraswati. At the very least, She is a holy person fully realized in Her divinity. If the goddess is within all of us, the only difference would be one’s ability to realize it through and through. I imagine there are universal laws at play, too, right? I feel that somewhere, there are dots waiting to be connected, and I’m convinced the true magic lies in the connection.

I find myself seeking a bridge between the esoteric and mundane, between my faith and what I know in my heart to be true. I realize these are answers I am most apt to discover when I am ready to focus more readily on my spirituality, but still the answer seems just outside my grasp.

And I’ve come full circle.

There are times when I can’t help but wonder.

Amma focused considerably on the energy transference that occurs through food, as well. She encouraged us to eat fresh food only and offered stories that support her view. More than once she asked the group to lift their arms up high and laugh out loud. She called it laughing yoga, and commented that we were all too serious. Being in a group of people that laughed about absolutely nothing worked it’s magic on me, breaking me out of my serious reverie, bringing me that much closer to true childlike surrender.

And it made Her laugh, as well, which was wonderful, so wonderful.

As always, I am inspired to truly understand the changes brought upon me by my spiritual mother. I feel a quiet and subtle internal realignment which spirals outward slowly from the vortex that was our time together, and I am inspired to view my entire self, including the shadow. I feel a gradual acceptance of the recent past, the lessons, the loss; as well as an emotional softening of resultant protection, sister to grieving, that is no longer necessary.

More than anything, I am reassured that I am right where I should be in my journey.

I am right here, right now.

And for now, that is enough.

Notes: The photograph above is copy written by the SMVA Trust and is a photo of Amma recently in Houston. View Part I of this installment here. The next installment, Part 3, is coming soon.