Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Reflecting on 2010: Dragons, Demons and Dilemmas

© Donna L. Faber

I wrote and posted this originally on April 25, 2010, almost a year ago. My work experience had begun its determined uprooting of personal demons signaling the commencement of a major life lesson.  Anticipating Amma’s 2010 visit, I was focused on the resultant inner work and heeding esoteric signals in the world around me.  As I address my feelings and pursue healing after what I experienced in the workplace and as I process my most recent visits with Amma, I find this extremely helpful.  It’s as though this specific personal lesson has almost come full circle.

At last.

The one line in this piece that speaks to me the most is this one uttered by Gregor, "This fear is crippling, Ssssister, and must be conquered."

I hope you enjoy reading this combination of fact and fiction as much as enjoyed writing it a year ago.

Amma’s visit is less than a month away. She is scheduled to be at the Hindu Temple in Sunnyvale in mid-May. This year I’ve minimized my involvement in preparation because I need to focus on myself spiritually. Her approaching visit has taken on a surreal approach; however, one that snuck up on me. As usual, She ensures all my hot buttons are pushed so I know what to focus on. It is exhausting!

Last night, I was up for three hours after 2:00 a.m. thinking. I watched Anne Bancroft and Patty Duke in “Helen Keller”, and thought about determination. I wondered where my self-confidence and resolve had gone. From the corner of my eye I saw my deceased cat, Remos, strutting down the hallway. His presence typically ushers in a new lesson or point to be made.

The last few days have been brutal. Wracked with worry about work, I’ve failed miserably at juggling the demons rising within me, the feelings and insecurities … the hot buttons. My emotions ran unchecked. Hunkered down with my family, where I feel safe and good, I rifled through these issues, and began breaking through the blockage.

My eyes closed. The television faded into the background.

© Donna L. Faber

This was my prayer.

I called my dragon.

The great and mighty dragon, Gregor, my spirit guide, emerged from the shadows. Although in astral form, I beheld his shimmering scales, the immensity of his wings, and heard the crack they made against the wind. He was all around me. Our astral selves entwined together, and I felt immense relief.

“Where have you BEEN?” I cried and felt him smile down at me.

His answer was honest and somber.

You have not called me, Sssssister.

But his response was heartfelt, full of compassion, almost indulgent.

He knew my quandary immediately.

And then he spoke.

The Goddessss approaches and Sssshe is the Queen of Swords, The Remover of Masks. She turns over ssstones in her path with her razor sharp blade. Under each stone hides one of your coveted habits. Ssssecrets and desires must be exposed to the light where you see them, recognize them, and acknowledge them. No more can they be hidden away, cloaked. They tempt you with the sweet taste of delusion and pull you away from the true path. No. These sssshiny glamours must be irradicated no matter that your perspective feels less sssparkly for that, too, is delusion.

Under one ssstone hides false friendships, or people thought to be kinship sssspirits. These children harbor an investment of something other than who you are. They were kindred once, but as lifetimesss passss, this is forgotten. The astral cord, that which keeps you bound to one another lifetime after lifetime, sssspeaks to both of you, coaxing memories, feelings, and love.

Possssibilities seems endlessss for such a partnership renewed! Yet fear prevents full ascendancy. The astral cord is broken, and you are no longer dealing with kin.

He paused to breathe deeply, and I could hear the dragon’s coals rumbling and burning in the depths of his massive chest.

This, too, was an illusion.

Is nothing real, I thought?

But he ignored me and went on.

The Lady’s ssssword flashes again to unearth a stone beneath which hide both fear of failure and fear of disssapproval.

Arousssed by career uncertainty, these demons, present since you were a child and prone to reinvention, rose up to provoke deep sssseated inssssecurity. They are the sssame demon in a different form, mirror to one another Ssssister, and their inky black tendrils are entwined so one is barely discernable from the other.

Remember, Ssssister, fear is the mind killer … for everyone.
The Queen of Wands (Click on image to learn more about this piece)
I began to understand the double edged sword I dealt with. I still felt the pain of loss, the emptiness of the broken silver cord, but I understood more.

He went on.

This fear is crippling, Ssssister, and must be conquered. This is my task, as well. I will help you.

I felt relieved.

Seek the lessons in these discoveries, Ssssister. Ssseek the Earthbound Mother for your answers and know that understanding is the first step toward healing.

He meant my spiritual mother, Amma, of course.

This morning as I wrote this blogpost, I got my head in order, and a shimmering, green hummingbird paused to sip from a flower just outside the open sliding door. It was directly in line of my sight.

It felt like the Great Mother telling me everything would be alright.

Relief.

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