Tuesday, December 10, 2013


Things are better now than they have been in more than three years. I’m working full time, most of the bills are caught up, and we’ll have a nice Christmas.  I feel anxious, though, and I can’t figure out why.

Last year at this time, I was working at Sanchez Art Center, doing remote work for a university, and stressing over the upcoming holiday. We had very little money to spare, but I've also got small scale “holiday trauma” leftover from when I was a kid and my parents decided to become Jehovah’s Witnesses.  There is nothing quite like being banished to the school library at 7 years old when the rest of your class is having a Christmas party.  Shelving Christmas for any reason was out of the question.  I stressed over it instead.

So, I spent last year’s holiday stressing over the possibility of letting my family down.  Of course, they didn't feel that way.

I pulled a halfway decent holiday out of my ass, but I paid a price for it in stress.  A number of art commissions just in the nick of time financed much of it.  I am grateful for the folks who asked for my work, but I resented having to fence my art in to make a buck. Now, art is the last thing on my mind, as though doing it under pressure has ruined the experience forever.

I’m grateful to be working, but I resent the time spent doing it.  I've got this pre-menopausal thing going on, too, and lately I’m moody, fatigued, or aggravated a lot. I've got all this icky resentment sort of oozing out of my body language and words all the time, and I know Leslie’s just about had enough of it.   

I wasn't happy when I was unemployed, and I’m cranky now. 

So, what’s my problem?

Maybe I’m just tired.

This morning, I bumped into a three page article on Mata Amritanandamayi aka Ammachi in Oprah’s magazine, and I remember Her (Ammachi) saying that oceans of seekers would be toward Her coming soon.   They will now, no doubt.

Maybe I just need a hug.

I hope writing this will help purge the resentment from my system.  There’s a bunch of Christmas spirit out there waiting to be let in.

I can feel it.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...