The White Swan of My Spirituality

© Lorcan Keating

This photo is by Lorcan Keating, who lives and works in San Francisco.  Lorcan successfully captures the vast subtleties of the world around him with his lens, focusing primarily on San Francisco neighborhoods and wildlife.  He can be found on Facebook.

Swans are revered in Hinduism, and are compared to saintly persons whose chief characteristic is to be in the world without getting attached to it, just as a swan's feather does not get wet although it is in water. The Sanskrit word for swan is hamsa or hansa, and it is the vehicle of many deities like the goddess Saraswati. It is mentioned several times in the Vedic literature, and persons who have attained great spiritual capabilities are sometimes called Paramahamsa ("Great Swan") on account of their spiritual grace and ability to travel between various spiritual worlds. In the Vedas, swans are said to reside in the summer on Lake Manasarovar and migrate to Indian lakes for the winter. They're believed to possess some powers such as the ability to eat pearls. They are also believed to be able to drink up the milk and leave the water from a saucer of milk adulterated with water. This is taken as a great quality, as shown by this Sanskrit verse:Hamsah shwetah, bakah shwetah, kah bhedah hamsa bakayo? Neeraksheera viveketu, Hamsah hamsah, bakah bakah! (Source: Wiki)

It’s been a long time since I was completely stress-free.  I’m convinced that when stress is turned up high, it blocks any good vibes from getting through, particularly when you need them the most.  It took almost a month after leaving the office, but I’m feeling much better than I was previously, and just in time, too.  Sri Karunamayi begins her U.S. Tour in the San Francisco Bay Area, and Leslie, Elizabeth and I were fortunate enough to be one of the first people to see her here today, on the first day of the first city in her tour. She landed in San Francisco International Airport, direct from India, after being in the air for 16 hours, and made her way to the family hosting her in Fremont.  We were there with about 25 of other devotees to meet her. I want to be as open and relaxed as possible so I can absorb as much of her positive spiritual energy as I can.

Sri Karunamayi is revered in India as an embodiment of divine motherly love, due to the love and affection that she showers liberally on people, animals, and even plants, the spiritual knowledge and guidance that she gives freely to all of humanity, and the humanitarian works that she has undertaken. "Amma," as she is affectionately called by her devotees, is simply the Telugu word for "mother," Telugu being Amma's native language. (http://www.karunamayi.org/)

I’ve looked forward to this visit for weeks, and it was precipitated by several days of intense and deep thought. Everything I’ve had rolling around in my head, along with residual sadness, came to the surface to be inventoried. This has happened before.  I re-evaluated by work experience, current relationships, and what I’d like to do with my life, where I’d like to focus my attention, going forward.  I thought about the people I love, my creative efforts, and the current state of our fragile world.  All this and more then bounced into my dreams last night.  First, I was in a giant ashram full of different rooms and women wearing spiritual whites and sari’s running around getting ready for Amma’s visit (an obvious corrrelation).  Then, I was in an office in a new, temporary job working for a woman who clearly didn’t like me (deja vu).  Granted, I’ve had this particular dream more than once since being laid off.  I was doing a Power Point presentation for her and couldn’t get it right no matter what I did.  She fired me finally, and I left the office building carrying a queen size mattress (an awkward burden, much like rejection), dragging it, down a large, dark woodland road (an unknown dark place).  As I walked, a tall blonde woman I didn’t recognize crouched by the roadside to nurse her baby (nurturing new ideas and directions).  A long parade of white domestic cats, all shapes and sizes, padded ghostlike across the road and into the woods behind her. They were on their way to Amma’s program, too.  I’m no expert on dream symbolism, and I usually have little interest in white cats, but I can guess on much of this.

I don’t insist my family attend Amma’s programs.  I get wrapped up in it on the days I can be there, but Elizabeth is usually in school, and Leslie is usually busy running everyone around.  They end up in the background, waiting and watching.  I figure a person doesn’t have to directly participate to benefit from the wonderful vibrations of Amma’s positive spiritual energy.  It’s like a contact high.  You don’t have to smoke the peace pipe to get the buzz. However, this home visit, outside of her programs, is special and typically for devotees who help.  I don’t feel like I did much, not compared to The Bay Area Coordinator’s efforts, but I was invited for the third time.  It is a unique opportunity to have special time with Amma outside of individual blessings and before more structured programs focus her attention on the hundreds of people (typically thousands in India) who bring their sorrows, wants and worries to lay at Her feet, revered as She is as the Divine Mother's earthly representation and Saraswati.

Amma in Fremont on March13, 2011

The family that hosts Amma is a traditional Hindu family, and so are many of her devotees.  When we entered their home, one of Amma’s bhajans (spiritual songs) played.  The house was decorated in Hindu fashion just for the ocassion and filled with a diverse blend of people; some traditional Indian, some hippy looking types, and others completely Western in appearance.  There were white sheets spread out all over the floor.  Color is of particular importance, although I don’t know the details.  Amma asks us to approach her in all white at programs, as well.  She arrived with traditional fanfare, looking no worse for the more than 24 hours spent traveling, and spoke to us in her sweet voice, as people clattered and chattered in the background.  Her children were anxious this day, nervous even.  Thank the heavens She’s arrived because Mother Earth is shaking all to pieces.

In her brief darshan, Amma focused on planetary influences and was very sad about what's happening in Japan, indicating that human greed and selfishness is at the core root of these disasters. She reminded us about the Sri Mrutyunjaya mantra, an ancient vedic healing mantra, and told us about the many homas they’ve performed in India, focusing on this month specifically.  Check out the mantra here. You don't have to sing it.  Just play it, and it works by healing and warding off negative energy whether you believe in it or not.  She mentioned that human beings are struggling psychologically with depression, anxiety, and confusion. Yet, she also laughed easily with us, assuring us that San Francisco is a very spiritual place.  Then, she blessed the Prasad, and it was passed around.  Candies, nuts, and other treats infused with her spiritual energy were given to everyone.  By the time she wrapped it up, I was completely buzzed, thoroughly high on her pure, spiritual vibration.  I watched her walk through the small crowd toward her personal room for the night, and noticed that her braid, the tiny tip of which peaked through the bottom of her shawl, was almost down to her knees.  


She is the white swan of my spirituality, and when She glides quietly and gracefully away from those of us who want and need her attention so very much, I miss her immediately.

Due to my personal disdain for modern day religion, these spiritual experiences are the closest thing to “religion” my family and I have. My love for the Divine Mother resides in my heart, my devotion or bhakti is personal, and as far as I’m concerned the Goddess is everywhere and for everyone.  She has many faces so Her children can find one to identify with. The Holy Mother, Virgin Mary, Athena, Hecate, Saraswati, Durga and even Kali are all aspects of the same to me.  I believe very strongly that we all have the right to our personal faiths without persecution, and I don’t appreciate it when others cram their experience down my throat.  This has never happened to me in the 10 years I’ve seen Amma.  The Hindu trappings, like the ancient religion itself, are not prerequisite to being in Her presence. I take what I want and need from the experience and leave the rest.  It was unnerving initially, but I’ve noted that some people who return learn to release that intimidation and adhere to the Hindu practices in programs when it’s spiritually necessary or done out of respect.  Like taking yours shoes off at the front door.

No matter what the guidelines are, and no matter if I do or don’t adhere to them, what matters is that Amma has made an enormous personal impact in my life; greater than my parents, my grandparents, and all my relatives put together. With the exception of Leslie and Elizabeth, She has been a singular most positive influence.  She helped me access and realize my worthiness, and gave me spiritual and emotional healing at a time when I was drowning in my own broken nature. She’s also been there in very tangible and somewhat unexpected ways.

Now, as I sort through the feelings accumulated over the last year and a half, I’m relieved by the certainty that my Spiritual Mother is here to help … just as She helps all her children.


Learn more about the upcoming Bay Area Program here.

Jai Ma … ❤

What's On The Easel

FROM OUR WORKSHOP: Gregor (Guardian Series #2 of 4)

Guardian Series, #2: Gregor  © February 26, 2011 by yours truly.  This is the second in my Guardian Series, and you can see the first one here.  Done in pen and ink with silver highlights on Arches paper, the original is 12"x17", give or take.  It will make its way to my art site once it’s scanned. This is the third portrait of Gregor I've done since first becoming aware of him two years ago almost to the day.  As it's been buzzing around in my brain for a year, I’m very happy it’s on paper and done the way I envisioned it. 

I received five sheets of Arches paper from my friend Lambi in Greece.  She does almost all of her art on Arches.  This paper appeals so intently to me at this time because it’s really thick (just like I am) and once you commit to it, you’re in it until the drawing is done (just like a relationship).  My previous portraits of Francine were all about flexibility.  I layered paper as my perception of each version evolved. With this paper, layering is out.  I have to let myself go wherever the paper pushes the marker and hang with it when it happens.

Right now, as I navigate this crossroad in my life, I’m all about going with the flow; and as usual, my art is a reflection of where my head is.

Gregor: My Dragon Spirit Guide

Here is the first portrait of Gregor , and you can read about it here on my art site.   Read about how he emerged into my awareness here.  And there is more fiction type stuff here.

The Queen of Wands
(a self-portrait of sorts)

This is the second piece, in a self-portrait entitled “The Queen of Wands”. 

More:
My FB Page
Lambi's Magic Island

Francine

What Makes A Good Tarot Card Reader

Ask yourself this question: What do you look for in a tarot card reading? Do you seek answers to a specific problem? Do you want confirmation on something? Or is it a relationship? What will happen with your career? What will the future hold? Let’s explore this on an even deeper level, and ask -- Do you seek objective guidance, or would you rather be told what to do? Your honest answer along with a discerning mind, good old fashioned communication, and common sense will lead you to a tarot reader whose capabilities are in perfect synch with the reading you’re looking for.

All divination implies the exchange of personal power. It occurs quite naturally in the tightly woven fabric of the interactive energy inherent in the intuitive process. If a reader’s intentions are good and your mind is open and relaxed, the interaction is smooth, open and informative. It can be mind-blowing! If a reader’s intentions are selfish or ego-based, even unintentionally, you’ll note the interaction may feel controlling, frightening, or intimidating. A reader might express a strong desire to be agreed with, for example; or express their own fear within the context of your reading. It behooves us to remember that even gifted psychics are human, walking their own path, and making their own mistakes. It doesn’t mean that you have to share that journey, however.

Objectivity is the primary quality of a good tarot card reader. An experienced reader might also identify as a healer and compassionately assist with problems of the emotion or intellect insofar as you are willing to allow them to. They will never push their will on you. Within the context of your interaction, a reader’s goal might be to pave the way for the next step on your spiritual journey by offering spiritual tools without making you feel obligated in any way to use them. Essentially, a good tarot card reader, assuming the role of spiritual advisor, will guide you carefully and sensitively to self-empowerment by encouraging you to look for your answers within.

Tarot cards, psychic clairvoyance, and any other form of divination including astrology is rendered mutable by free will or our ability to make choices. Nothing is cast in stone against the time proven resilience and unpredictability of the human spirit. Excellence in tarot guidance by an advanced reader is best offered as an alternative to blind reliance on external forces or influence, even if it means that in doing so, your reader doesn’t promote or benefit his or her own practice. And if this is truly your reader’s intent, eventually, and out of spiritual necessity, your evolving spiritual advisor will exercise discernment in who they read for, consequently choosing where they invest their time and energy. It is part of what might be a natural progression for both of you on your personal spiritual journey and where your individual paths may intersect.

When misused as a function of the ego, reading tarot cards can be a control ploy used for personal gratification or a scam for profit. A spiritually minded reader won’t simply tell you what you want to hear. He or she will approach every reading with an open heart, absolutely no judgment, and will be willing to walk you through a mutually satisfying journey of symbolism that doesn’t use fear or intimidation to control the flow of energy and conversation.

Even tarot card readers walk their own spiritual path. It’s wise to remember that the presence of psychic gifts doesn’t always imply the presence of spiritual integrity. Some readers may eventually straddle the fence between discernment and ego gratification in order to decide once and for all why they are reading cards. Their decision will have an impact on the quality of tarot card reading you receive from them. Take the time to engage your reader in conversation. Discover where they are on the spectrum of their spirituality and then make your own informed decision.

Originally Written on September 2, 2009

This has been editted from it's original version.

CHANGE IS AFOOT

There are some changes o’er my creative horizon. As this summer drew to a close, I found myself rethinking web-based creative outlets and realized I’ve outgrown a few of my blogs. Yeah, I’ve thought it over for a week or two, and I’m convinced this is the right thing to do.

Here are changes to look for:

• I shut down my spirituality blog called “When Isis Rises”. Spirituality was something I needed to talk separately about a few years ago. Since then, I've integrated it. I’ve even gone back to old blogposts wondering what could be republished, and I find the way they were written are all a part of my past. I just don’t see things in precisely the same way, and I don’t express myself the same way. Now, my spirituality has become a part of how I navigate life, and when it comes up, it comes up. When I need to express myself about it specifically, I’ll do so right here on Sapphokinesis.
• I also shut down my other blog called “Every Woman is a Witch”. While I still firmly believe there is a little witch in all women, I don’t feel the need to write about it any longer. That blog was a return to my spiritual roots done at a time when I needed to reclaim those roots. Since then, I’ve integrated my inner witch and, believe me, I ride my broomstick when I feel the need. I still see the ebb and flow of magic in the world, particularly now when the world is changing so much, so quickly. However, I’m not a practicing Wiccan, Pagan, or Witch, and I don’t write spells any longer. I’ve become something different and that is perfectly and uniquely me. I still read the tarot, however, and I hope to be involved in my tarot project for a long time. The cards will always be a big part of who I am, broomstick and all.
• For a short time, I had a companion blog to my art site … that was a waste of time.
• I still have an art site called http://www.donnalouisefaber.com/ where folks can purchase prints and link to my stores on Redbubble and Cafepress. All of my art and their companion blogs will go there. It is also where you can find my completed tarot cards and their meanings.
• I’ve expanded things here at Sapphokinesis and created pages to support my tarot, my fictional book project, and to tell folks about myself. I will also create an art page, and whatever else I think is pertinent. 

I'm still on Facebook a lot and have a Fan Page there.  I'm not on Twitter very often, however.  I guess I got bored with it.

In a nutshell, I continue to change and grow and my creativity is changing and growing with me. However, one thing is for certain, just as it says at the top of this blog … “I am a work-in-progress, in rapid forward motion, growing and transforming. I’m on a voyage of self-discovery, always creating, and I thrive in defiance of a changing and challenging world.”

So, if you’re looking for me, I’ll be here on Sapphokinesis babbling or over on my art site drawing pictures.

I hope you visit me often.

Love,

D♥

Getting What You Want

You Owe Me

MORE FRANCINE

OH, FRANCINE!

Visit the one and only Francine at

http://www.donnalouisefaber.com/!

You know she wants you!

FAMILY PORTRAIT

This Faber family portrait was done by artist, norn cutson, of New York City. norn and I met on da interwebs, and we've been in one another's orbit now for a few years.  He is a delightful human being who wants to do his art and make people happy.  I hope you take a moment to get to know norn.  He's awesome!

norn on Facebook

norn's island

Love,

D♥

Those Lips, Those Eyes (Francine 3)

~lo sono il segreto della nostra Regina~

Those Lips, Those Eyes (Francine 3) © June 9, 2010 by Donna L. Faber as Jupiter enters the sign of Aries for the first time since the year 2000, and I feel more myself than I have in six months. This piece is done on Strathmore Bristol Vellum, 100 lb. paper, with Prismacolor markers, a Sharpie, and Pips. The original is 11’ x 17”, and she’s four separate, assembled pieces. This portrait has been 6 months in the making. I started it in January, was stricken with an enduring case of artistic ADD, and got side tracked by work and work related stress. I filled the artistic void with short-term projects like my art journal, tarot cards, and the occasional blogpost.

I often wonder what women would do with their lives if they had more choices.  What makes them submit to unhappy or toxic domestic situations?


Francine is forever the eternal and relentless lover. She seeks love in all places, without boundary, without rest, and in defiance of convention and standard morality. She is also the embodiment of my internal creative muse; she who will not be quieted.

In this piece, she is from another life, another time, but she is still Francine. She states, “I am yours forever,” and explores love through submission.

This is her story.

***************************

I live here.


In these chambers.


I know nothing but these ornate walls and the plush gardens outside them. Born into servitude, and gifted with beauty, I was hand picked for this purpose. I am hand-maiden to the Queen. She is my soul purpose and my reason for living. This is what I was put on the earth for, and in being here in service to her I fulfill my destiny. She is the Queen of the realm, and the Queen of my heart, and I am her tiny secret.

It seems I am always waiting. Even though I was born to do so, at times I find myself wanting. I live for the moments when my Queen expresses her satisfaction. To me, her smile is akin to the rays of the sun, shining approval down on me, or the radiance of the full moon. Those moments are not easily won, but I strive for them readily. I wait for them constantly.

She is not a young Queen, and speaking of age is anathema to her. She is a fully bloomed flower, ripe and colorful, and while it is by force of will or in defiance of nature, her bloom has not wilted where others surely have. She is strong. Soft, pliable skin covers muscle and bones made of steel. I’ve learned she relies on this physical strength and endurance. Her grip is tight.  It is as tight as the back of her hand is hard and as sharp as the ascerbic cut of her tongue. Her moods are mercurial and her needs undefined, but when those needs are not met she is quick to punish either corporally, which is not intolerable or unpleasant, or by leaving me alone here in this place for days on end. No matter how empty I am rendered, when I am left without her, by days’ end, I pine. Within two days, I weep. After that ...

And then she appears again, and I am resurrected.


When she is present, I am at my most content. I am completely fulfilled in that particularly delicious service, the tasting, feeling, emotional whirlwind which is indeed the truest focus of my singular existence. Every inch of her is like nectar, and I drink deeply, memorizing every curve, fold, and hidden valley. She smells like fragrant lilacs.  Her body is a map forever burned in my memory, and I travel it’s byways in my dreams, my imagination, when she isn’t present.  Her voice ... ah her voice. When she whispers in passion, I am transported. It is the lock set on my captivation. It is why I surrender to her persistent demands.  All this and love.  All mundane details fade against the persistence of this desire, when my skin becomes alive with a million hungry mouths aching to be kissed, fed, and filled.

Only she can feed this hunger.


When she leaves, I begin to wilt.

I wait for her return, dangling on the string of our psychic rapport. I feel her each and every moment of each and every day and night no matter if she is here or not. That silver cord transmits every feeling, every concern, every fleeting moment of unhappiness, and every triumph. It reveals to me when she is in the arms of another.


This connection is my salvation as much as it is my eternal torment.


I am left only with the sureness of my intuition, and the hope that she will open the door to my chamber and enter in all her glory, thus releasing me from this suspension and into her service, delicious as it is, once again.


Until she does, I remain here wrapped in a sheet, rifling through memories of the last time I saw her.


Waiting.


I am her secret, and I am content.

***************************

"Don't Tell Me To Stop"

Francine

"Little Black Dress"

Francine 2

See more of my art at

http://www.donnalouisefaber.com/

 

I've Loved You Before

I think of how you know me,
no doubts no thinking twice.
When your smile can be so soothing,
a familiar paradise.
When there's no one else that makes me whole.
I'm never needing more
I get this feeling that I've loved you before

We were lovers in an army,
marching off for Rome.
side by side in battle,
did we bravely leave our home?
Did I hold you in my arms,
as you were taking your last breath?
Did I shout to all the gods,
that I would love you beyond death or more.
I swear I've loved you before.

Did we hide in the dark ages,
from a vengeful god above?
Were our names too unfamiliar,
to ever speak of love?
Did I cling to every moment with you,
every parting glance?
An accidental touch,
did we ever take the chance for more?
I know I've loved you before.

Have I wandered through the desert?
Have I looked to the North Star?
Have I rode the days and nights on rails,
to get back where you are?
And every time I found you,
it's your eyes I know for sure.

When I think of how you know me,
no doubts no thinking twice.
When your smile can be so soothing,
a familiar paradise.
When there's no one else that makes me whole.
I'm never wanting more.
I get this feeling.
I know I've loved you before.

I know I've loved you before
I've loved you before.

By Melissa Etheridge

Why an ART JOURNAL?

I’ve got a beautiful journal that I found at Papyrus. It’s smallish, made of embossed leather, has hand made paper, and is just gorgeous.

I have a thing for Journals. Perhaps even a fetish. I don’t know what it is, except that I am very happy wandering around in a stationery or office supply store, and always manage to gravitate to the journal section at Barnes & Noble. I can’t help it. There is something about the blank pages that call me out and and make me want to fill them. I’ve always got a journal in my purse, as well, just in case something comes up, something that I don’t want to forget.

Concurrently, and I’m not sure why, I’m at a block with the latest art piece I’m working on. And I’m feeling kind of skippy yippy about everything else. It’s like a period of attention deficit I’m going through. Even though I still have the urge to do art, I’m not focused long enough to a large piece.

So, what is the answer?

And then it hit me!

I’ll do an art journal! Everyone is doing them. There are websites devoted to them out there. I’ve got the supplies, and I’ve always loved to do collage work. Usually when I’m going through an attention deficit period like this one, collage work or card making does the trick. Having it all together in a book will satisfy my need for magic, as well. Imagine how wonderful it will be when it’s done!

D♥

REFLECTING & REAFFIRMING

I’m feeling kind of strange today. We had a lovely, long holiday weekend over Christmas. All I did, around the Christmas prep, was relax and spend time with Leslie and Elizabeth. Elizabeth and I did a great puzzle together, too. It was glorious. Here in the office, although it is very quiet (not many people here, and those who are seem really pooped), there is an air of anticipation. Merger angst, I think.

I feel as though I should be doing something with this quiet energy, creating something, somehow working with the quiet vibe to do art or something else active. I found myself fighting with this, because my muse is very quiet right now. Francine (my muse, or internal inspiration, who emerged visibly in my art, and so I've given her this name) is in there, I can feel her, but she’s quiet. How unusual for her … and for me.

I’m going to be revolutionary and make a conscious decision to “go with the flow”. Rather than rail against the vibe, I’m going to ride the bliss and do some personal reflecting.

As 2010 approaches, riding a wave of transformation and reformation, I ask myself the following questions: What am I releasing, and what am I embracing?

I found out just how sneaky stress can be when we were looking for a home to purchase. We had a difficult time finding something in this crazy market while juggling personal financial uncertainty. Couple that with a merger announcement at work (merger = possibility of job loss), and you’ve got yourself a reason to stress. And so I did. I experienced more of the thinning veil I referred to in a previous post (written some time ago). Probably experienced more thinning of the hair, as well. Even though I tried not to make an ass of myself, I’m not sure I didn’t. The good news is that it all turned out fine, and the people I got stressed with either didn’t notice or forgive me. We found a place to buy that works for us, things at work got more solid again, and I made a friend in the process. Someone I’ve known *before*. In this, I acknowledge my need for friends, and after a long period of releasing unhealthy relationships from the past, I am eager to shower new friends of the heart with all the love, support and encouragement I have!

At work, the merger has provided opportunities for my work to be visible on higher levels. Leading an implementation sub-team is very rewarding. Mergers do indeed imply a possibility for job loss, but they also imply great opportunity through change, as well. I’ve worked my tushy off, and will admit to having a significant emotional investment over how my hard work may or may not pay off in the end. I haven’t seen a raise in salary since starting here, and while that isn’t surprising given the economy, it sure would feel good. Unfortunately, the time taken up by this work prompted me to give up my place on the school PTA, which I’ve always enjoyed. That made me sad for a while, but it was time to let it go. In this, I acknowledge my competitiveness, ambition and drive, and I cast a web of healthy expectation over the efforts I’ve planted like seeds. May they grow to manifest healthy fruit in the new year!

I launched my art site, which I’ve written about in volumes here. Doing so was a significant step for me. I plan to continue creating with great fervor, and am excited about it! There was a time in the not too distant past when my muse was completely absent! I’m glad she’s back, and with a vengeance! Over the new year, I want my art to be embraced by those who know me, and those who don’t know me.

Last, but certainly not least … I found myself quietly pondering my parents and siblings over the past holiday. I’d like to extend a special thanks to Facebook for changing their security settings so subtly no one noticed others can see all their pictures and even their wall if settings aren’t in place.

I know. I’m a voyeur. I just can’t help it.

Both of my brothers are younger than I, and I’m no longer on speaking terms with either of them (for various reasons). The youngest seems very happy with his family and in his new home. It’s like he was given another chance to make his life satisfying, which is something he never got growing up. There is a picture of my mother on his site, too. A recent one. I got no pleasure out of seeing how unhappy and unhealthy she looked, but at least she had someplace to go for Christmas. The other brother didn’t make the annual Christmas pilgrimage to Connecticut this year, and rather tried to find homesteading where he lives. This is a first for him, and he’s over 40 now. He didn’t post any photos of his holiday, so we are left guessing. Usually, when he’s got something going on, he shares. I hope he’s doing alright.

For my brother, Curtis, I wish continued happiness with his new family, and all the prosperity life has to offer. For my brother, Donald, I wish a softening of emotional defenses. I hope he lets someone in enough to make the family I know he desperately desires.

I’ve come to terms with putting these relationships aside. They do not fit for me any longer, aren’t healthy for me, and so I’ve let them go. I indulged myself over the holiday by peering into their world, but after trying for years to make it work, I don’t spend much time worrying about it any longer.

Let this be my greatest wish for 2010. I wish that the past remain in the past, and I support myself in the releasing of those burdens.

I think if I had to identify one thing that I’ve learned about who I am, it would be this: I am human. After spending the first half of my life over-achieving and paying the price for it, I want to relax and little and allow myself those human vulnerabilities. I mean, these are things that have always been there, but I denied them, ignored them. So, this year, I am going to embrace myself with all the vulnerabilities and wierdness that being me entails.

With this, I usher in a year of balance. I *expect* myself to pay more attention to the careful balance of my family, work and other activities. I *expect* myself to take better care of my body, bring my health back into balance, and to start by walking frequently. I also *expect* myself to consistently and outwardly demonstrate that balance to my family and friends, so they know I am thinking of them as much as I think of myself.

More than ever, I *expect* a prosperous and happy 2010!

And I wish you all the same.

So much love,

D~

Would you like to know me better?

Visit Donna L. Faber: Creating is Breathing and my FB Fan Page.

Visit my other blogs, When Isis Rises and Every Woman is a Witch.

Follow me on Twitter.

No, I’m not too full of myself! I just want to connect!

www.donnalouisefaber.com

Creating is breathing! Or at least it is to me! Visit my brand new art site at http://www.donnalouisefaber.com/. Purchase prints, cool stuff, and gallery quality prints. Browse the blog where I invite you along on the journey I took to get to each piece. This is something I've wanted to do since 2005, and while all things come in their own time, it so nice to be here at last!

FROM OUR WORKSHOP: The Queen of Wands

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The Queen of Wands © November 28, 2009, pen & ink on Strathmore Bristol 100 pound vellum. The original is approximately 14" x 17" , and is cut out and mounted in layers.

I started this piece in late October and didn’t expect it to take over a month to complete. At that time I was on a roll, producing art quickly and with regularity. I was focused initially on a self-portrait of myself and my spirit guide, Gregor. I’ve always wanted to do a self-portrait, but never got around to it. Maybe it’s because I never knew myself fully until this point in my life. As the piece emerged, it looked like a strega (Italian witch) and her guardian, which was appropriate because I have past life memories and impressions all around these geographic and esoteric areas. In fact, when walking a path that included the Craft, the only documented facet of modern day witchcraft that resonated to me authentically was the old religion, Stregheria. Everything else seemed reinvented. That was long before meeting my spiritual mother. I was much younger, and I’ve written much about it.

Wands, (also called Rods or Sticks) are one of four minor arcana suits in a tarot deck. They are about spirit, or spirituality and intuition. The royals in this suit are about spiritual mastery and intuitiveness. Likewise, this Queen is highly intuitive, and is a catalyst for growth in others. If this Queen is in your life (in one form or another), or if you meet her and interact with her, you will grow. You will grow because of her or in spite of her. But, have no doubt … you will change and grow.

The key phrase for the Queen of Wands is I know myself. This Queen has walked the paths of both dark and light, selfishness and compassion, and made a conscious choice toward personal evolution. She knows who she is and accepts herself wholly and without illusion. She no longer needs to see her reflection in the eyes of others for personal definition, and is beyond looking to others for approval. However, she remembers the lessons of her past.

The dragon in this piece indicates the presence of the most primal spiritual energy in the Queen’s existence. Not spirituality that you read or write about and not the kind you go to lectures to learn. Dragons, in a spiritual context, represent the day-to-day spirituality which is intrinsically a part of our lives ... also known as little voice that speaks to us. Dragons are the supreme guardian, present even before Christianity defined angels, and the modern new age movement defined spirit guides. Before all this, there was the primal and ancient dragon, whose presence as guardian, mentor, and messenger kept us connected with our spiritual and emotional natures, the truest form of who we are as spiritual beings. Now, as the earth shifts on its spiritual axis, dragon guides re-emerge to awaken the sleepers (us).

I struggled with this piece for days, through the new moon in Scorpio, the Saturn/Pluto astrological thing, a wicked case of premenstrual syndrome and as work (my office job) ramped up intensely. Suddenly, my time and attention were pulled elsewhere, and I felt like I was navigating life under water for a week. The image of the witch and her dragon seemed blurry as they competed with one another for space on the page. I had the hardest time doing her face, too, and tried and failed more than once. I reached out to my family and artistic friends on the net, looking for guidance, and for a time, I considered scrapping the piece entirely. But no, I was too in love with the dragon, my beloved Gregor, even if the rest of the piece didn't work well. So, I reworked it intensely, cutting, redo-ing, resizing, and reshaping. Then, satisfied with my efforts and in a moment of defiance, I decided to let the piece birth itself for better or worse.

I woke up one morning and realized as much as this was a self-portrait, it was also a portrait of the Queen of Wands. Herein was the cathartic moment. It was still me, but it was She, as well. With this realization, I found the Queen's inspiration, and the muse began dancing. I'd like to say the composition and flow moved perfectly thereafter. But, it didn't. She still gave me a lot of grief in her birthing. Maybe she's just a difficult Queen to get along with, hm?

I present to you the the second in my series of Tarot Queens (which began with the Queen of Pentacles in September).

So much love,

D~

BACK TO MY ROOTS

Join me as I wander back to my spiritual roots in a new blog entitled Every Woman is a Witch.

Amma 2009: Part 2

Inspiration

Friday evening, finished with work, I walked down Market Street with my bag and laptop slung over a shoulder. I was headed towards the Embarcadero BART Station. My theme song music of late is Alanis Morissette singing the James Michael Mix of “Crazy” by Seal. It’s on the soundtrack from “The Devil Wears Prada”, and it was blaring in my ears from an iPod. I walked briskly as the usual scenery of people flew on by, a colorful dichotomy that reeks suspiciously of the growing class divide in America. The homeless woman begging for change in front of the escalator, the one I’ve watched deteriorate over the last ten years is a testament to that; however, the child who’s been selling candy for two weeks is new. It’s easier to see this in the city, if you haven’t desensitized yourself to it.

It was a long week.

I pulled off an Earth Day Mini-Expo on Wednesday, fed 50 people pizza, chased around ridiculously busy principals asking for Admin Day donations for three days in a row, and had more than my usual share of intense one-on-one conversations with staff. Work is getting stressful, and people act differently under stress. Leslie and I also struggled with the offer we made on a townhouse, and the real estate agent we were working with who got greasier by the minute.

I was very tired.

As I walked, the strangest thing happened.

One moment I felt bogged down by the weight of the week, and then suddenly, I felt buoyant, as if a ray of sunlight straight from heaven shined down on me. I am so happy to be back in San Francisco, and I appreciate every moment of it. My job is great, and I am successful with it. My family is happy, and we are looking for a new home. It felt like anything was possible. It felt like absolute liberation from the weight of the world.

And then, I felt tired.

And again, I felt buoyant.

It went back and forth like this a number of times as I walked to my background music.

It started the night of Amma’s public program.

I was so happy to see Her, and consequently very focused on She and the personal issues I brought with me to think upon; my health, my creativity, and my spirituality. Leslie and Elizabeth were there, as well, getting their dose of divine love.

Amma opened her night time public program with a very intense Ganesha mantra. We hailed Ganesha as the remover of obstacles, and appealed to him asking for the removal of barriers to our efforts. Talk about personally appropriate. Amma hit it hard with Sanskrit acid rock that I felt from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. As Amma chanted, accompanied by Brett on his tom tom, the beat resonated heavily through my chest like a battering ram. I happened to be sitting right underneath an enormous speaker, as well.

Eyes closed in meditation, I began to unwind.

Ah.

My mind wandered back to the two years we spent in Connecticut. They were emotionally demanding, quite difficult really, and something I’ve only just come to terms with emotionally. Intellectually I was all over it, but emotionally? I’m very good in a crisis, but slow to absorb the fall out.

I felt a slow acceptance of the recent past made more expedient.

The lessons and the loss caused a crust of emotional protection, sister to grieving, which begin to soften and then dissipate, as well. This layer was followed by spiritual defenses requiring demolition. Those subtle barriers went up without my conscious knowledge and are consequently much harder to identify, never mind disassemble. Over time and with considerable work, I’ve gotten a handle on my emotional defenses, but the spiritual barricading surprises me.

My emotional and spiritual bodies are intrinsically linked as they are in everyone.

The evening went on, and I listened to Amma’s discourse. With it, she addressed the concerns lurking in my conscious and subconscious mind. The words meant for me hit the arrow right on the mark. There was no mistaking it.

I thought about my spirituality building up to this visit. How could I avoid it after spending time with other devotees whose commitment was enduring and unquestionable? Am I where I should be, I wondered. I grapple with the demands of my home life and spiritual progress I thought I should be making. I know my family is my priority, but I worry that I don’t meditate enough, and when will I ever give up meat? What does this commitment to my family mean to the rest of me?

Amma’s answer, given to the entire crowd, was succinct.

“Amma is here to inspire you,” she said. “You are already very spiritual. When it’s time, it will fully blossom.”

I took a deep breath as She stated by the time we are fifty we should be better focused on our spirituality, as well.

Amma does this in a most mysterious way. She doesn’t answer general questions in a formalized forum. As her visit approached, I spent time worrying about a certain topic, and in her public program, She addressed my concern practically to a “T”. I bet if you asked others in the audience, they would be astounded by the same thing. How does she do it? One might say She is the goddess, revered as Saraswati. At the very least, She is a holy person fully realized in Her divinity. If the goddess is within all of us, the only difference would be one’s ability to realize it through and through. I imagine there are universal laws at play, too, right? I feel that somewhere, there are dots waiting to be connected, and I’m convinced the true magic lies in the connection.

I find myself seeking a bridge between the esoteric and mundane, between my faith and what I know in my heart to be true. I realize these are answers I am most apt to discover when I am ready to focus more readily on my spirituality, but still the answer seems just outside my grasp.

And I’ve come full circle.

There are times when I can’t help but wonder.

Amma focused considerably on the energy transference that occurs through food, as well. She encouraged us to eat fresh food only and offered stories that support her view. More than once she asked the group to lift their arms up high and laugh out loud. She called it laughing yoga, and commented that we were all too serious. Being in a group of people that laughed about absolutely nothing worked it’s magic on me, breaking me out of my serious reverie, bringing me that much closer to true childlike surrender.

And it made Her laugh, as well, which was wonderful, so wonderful.

As always, I am inspired to truly understand the changes brought upon me by my spiritual mother. I feel a quiet and subtle internal realignment which spirals outward slowly from the vortex that was our time together, and I am inspired to view my entire self, including the shadow. I feel a gradual acceptance of the recent past, the lessons, the loss; as well as an emotional softening of resultant protection, sister to grieving, that is no longer necessary.

More than anything, I am reassured that I am right where I should be in my journey.

I am right here, right now.

And for now, that is enough.

Notes: The photograph above is copy written by the SMVA Trust and is a photo of Amma recently in Houston. View Part I of this installment here. The next installment, Part 3, is coming soon.

FROM OUR WORKSHOP: Spirit

My new found internet friend, Angela Starlight, at Enchanted Starlight Studio in Colorado, posted an art prompt that got me ta thinkin'. The prompt is SPIRIT. I've done so many pieces inspired by divinity and feminity, even celebrity, as I find so much of my inspiration from popculture. But I wonder... what piece speaks to the spirit in me?

In the very early 90's, when I was heavy into drawing female superheros, I started a vignette on a science fiction idea I've had since high school. I never got past three pages, but some of my favorite personal images come from that vignette.

This piece specifically speaks to the spirit in me. It's called "Rapture".

This black and white piece was done in india ink on Bristol Strathmore Water Color Paper. It is unsigned and undated. The pentacle is a symbol that holds personal significance for me, and the feminine figure, always reaching upward toward divinity, is resonant of my spirit. The figure on that lady? Well, maybe I looked that way in my teens ... maybe. That was a long, long time ago.

There you go ... SPIRIT.

Amma 2009: Part 1

Affirmations

I visited with my Eternal Mother several weeks ago for three wonderful days under a spectacular Northern California sun. It is Spring, and a time for new awakenings, budding ideas, growth, and expansive gestures. Things once buried, our “nuts” so to speak, are now recovered and urged to grow to potential. That sun has burned me in the past, scorched me readily, firing away karmic layer after layer, along with layers of skin, leaving me bright red and sore for days after. This time the burn was minimal and the karmic reconstruction not outwardly obvious. I also had enough sense to wear a hat.

It’s been five long years since I’ve spent any time greater than a half day with Amma. The year 2005 was a major turning point in my spirituality and emotional healing, as well as a wonderful visit, full of lessons in self-worth and confidence. An introductory focus on sloughing off dead baggage from the past like an unnecessary layer of skin was immediately followed by the unveiling of new horizons that would continue taking shape and form as they were affirmed, and continue to be affirmed, in real time. In 2006, we were moving from California to Connecticut and missed Amma, literally, on both ends of the United States. The years 2007 and 2008 were only one half day visits each in New York City. There were moments in that lovely church in Manhattan when she smiled at me, and I know she recognized me. “You need a good job,” she said, “I will help you,” and I was secretly relieved she didn’t forget me. I didn’t see Ammachi at all when I was on the East Coast. My spiritual tanks were drained in such a way that makes me believe our time in Connecticut wasn’t just about emotional baggage, or spending time with my grandmother. It was also about relying on one’s inner resources.

The weeks prior to this visit were heavy with animal symbolism. A tarot card reading I received from intuitive web-friend, Avia Venifica, highlighted this to me in succinct ways that continue to resonate even now. This makes sense as symbolism is Avia’s forte’. Other symbolic markers came up between Avia and I confirming she was a link in Mother’s chain this time around. You can read more on my card reading here. However, squirrel symbolism is highlighted first and foremost, particularly at spring time, encouraging me to recover those nuts I’ve put aside to focus on my new job.

In real time, we’ve had one little nut hoarder scurrying industriously around our yard since we’ve moved in here, leaving little holes dug up here and there. It had a run in with our Boston Terrier, Daizy, one evening a few weeks ago that brought Elizabeth into the house huffing and puffing about a doggie/squirrel stand off at the base of the palm tree, and did I know that squirrels can growl? Despite that direct message, it never occurred to me to think about what it was saying. Not until now, that is. We finally named the squirrel Nutmeg, and you might be interested to know that Nutmeg has recently found a companion. Now there are two of them racing around like Red Bull lunatics.

But this particular nut wasn’t just waiting to be taken out. It was waiting to be turned out! And riding the wave of Amma’s abundant energy, I launched my artwork publicly on Cafepress and RedBubble. This was a leap of my faith for me, and an indication that my confidence continues to develop. I have my friends to thank for encouraging and embracing this.

Amma knows how much I need to be needed, and like she did in the 2005 program, she connected me immediately with the local group of volunteers, and put me to work. First, it was in a small poster making party, at an ashram in San Francisco, which was like stepping back into the 70’s when my Aunt Edwina lived in an ashram in New Haven. We sat there, in the main room, folding and folding and talking. There was another devotee with us, a woman that I’ve seen in many photographs, and who is frequently pictured following Amma closely. I’ve seen her in programs crying many tears, as well. She stood out to me then, but on this day something was different. In the course of conversation, she described taking her first trip to India recently. I think perhaps the trip changed her. She was confident, purposeful, and navigating around people she didn’t know with relative ease. I believe that for some of Amma’s children, navigating around strangers is most challenging due to sensitivities and empathies. I didn’t say anything, but the transformation was notable. The message I received was notable, as well, yanking the knowledge from a generalized intellectual awareness and plopping it right down into personal acknowledgement. We are all God’s children. The Divine Mother considers each and every one of us her babies. And when She sees fit, She knows what cosmic carrot to dangle before our hungry eyes. She knows what motivation will bring us along the path to our personal evolution. She did it to me a few years ago and in a way that is still working it’s magic. Now I understand that devotion or bhakti can change even the meekest or angriest of Amma’s babies. Bhakti holds the power to change the universe.

Amma’s divine love is life changing, true, but the purposeful and anticipatory love of her devotees is an amazing and palpable thing. Their focus is so intense, no matter how attached you may or may not be to Her, it is hard not to get caught up in it. One never knows what they do outside of their work for Amma either. Some of them are householders, Indian families who live in the West, but are devout Hindu’s who give both their time and money from the heart. Others are Western devotees whose lives, jobs or careers provide them with the funding they need to follow Amma from one end of creation to the next. Given the way I feel when She’s around, I can’t say that I begrudge them that opportunity, although at this time I don’t feel the need to physically follow myself. I often wonder if doing so is in my future. Some Western devotees wear traditional Indian attire, and are immersed in the Hindu faith. I noticed people from Ammachi’s camp, as well, wondering what all the hub bub is about. Others, people who simply saw a poster and grew intrigued, are drawn to Her for inexplicable reasons. When everyone is together, we’re all one group of Her children, and to my surprise, I am at ease with them.

In anticipation of these visits, there are different things going on in my head. Conscious worries are thought bubbles you might picture in the forefront of my cranium. In the rear, are the less conscious thoughts I touch upon now and again, things I don’t think about too much, but which are present none the less. There are visits when I have something quite specific on my mind; for example, 2007 in Manhattan when I needed a job. But at other visits, like this one, my immediate needs and those of my family are well met, and I’m without worry. I look forward to being with my mother until my heart is fully bloomed like a lotus flower, and I’ve achieved a state of complete childlike openness. Only then, when my defenses are completely down, am I truly in the moment and being myself for myself. Then, the pure love of Mother’s divine energy permeates every fiber, every cell, of my being, and whatever cellular and karmic restructure She wills can occur.

The tightest group of Amma’s volunteers are all warm and welcoming people who asked Leslie and I to the host’s home to receive Her. I was so excited about it! Amma ran so late, Leslie and I had to leave to get Elizabeth at school. In the past, I’ve been in conflict between the love and needs of my family, versus my desire put everything, even them on hold, when Amma is in town. This trip highlighted how I’ve grown to better understand this dynamic, which is in essence an extension of understanding my boundaries at work and home, as well, all most pertinent lessons. So, when dealing with the volunteers, who tried to pull me in deeply because I am a very organized and task oriented person, I heeded my boundaries, to successfully balance the love of my spiritual mother with that of my family. Having to leave early, although disappointing, was part of that lesson.

Finally, after all the anticipation and preparation, I saw Amma as she arrived at the church in Palo Alto for the first night’s program. She was positively radiant in a pink sari as she reflected back the love of her children who worked so hard to make her visit possible. The color of Ma’s sari is always significant to me. At times it offers a hint to Her mood. Will she be the warm and understanding mother, full of cookies and acknowledgement? Or will she be the stern and serious mother, with intense and at times frightening expectations and little time for goofing around. I’ve seen both. She was draped in pink, which, like the color of rose quartz, is indicative of love and fertility, all appropriate to Spring. Fertility isn’t just about making babies. It frequently refers to a ripening of purpose, activity, creativity or ideas, as well as countless other circumstances which quicken in manifestation.

Her sari couldn’t be more appropriate, I thought standing there watching Her, and feeling wonderful. She is the embodiment of Spring time, as well as the living incarnation of the Goddess.

Thus far, and even though I’d seen Her for only a moment, Amma’s visit was an affirmation. Between the spring time symbolism, the squirrels and the nuts, I heard Her loud and clear. I had an entire day of individual blessings ahead of me and then the homa, or vedic fire ceremony, which is one of my favorite parts. What I heard the loudest, however, even beyond my own persona lessons, was that in Her eyes, we are all the same. Beneath the often disruptive layers of our personality, that which is simply our nature, we are all Her children. And in that, we are worthy of love.

Each and every one of us is a keeper of the most precious god/goddess force, which resides, at times forgotten, in our hearts.

Note: The photograph above is owned by SMVA Trust.